Seven days to go

Hi all,
So first of all, an update on the searching of funds for Cole's surgery. I got an email back from a national association and they said that my vet has to apply for assistance on our behalf. So, Cole's got to go in for another glucose curve relatively soon to see how he's doing, so perfect opportunity. I want to sit down with the vet and I'm going to have someone write down exactally what the situation is, what she can and cannot do, and what she is prepared to do to help us. I like this vet, she's always been good with me as a client, she shows me things by hand instead of trying to have me see them, but my family on the other-hand, does not like her at all. So, that being said, I want to approach her to find out for myself what's going on. I think it'd make me feel better to have straight answers rather than getting them from my dad- he's not so great with details.

On another note, my employment consultant from the Commission took me yesterday to a place called the "one stop". It's neat, this is a federally funded program to to help folks get jobs. Their suggestion for me was to do assessments since I'm just entering the job market. I'm not really sure what to do now other than exploring jobs under the choices of jobs that the assessment gave me. In some weird kinda way, the religion and spirituality aspect has been first or at least highly placed in not only this assessment for work purposes, as the last one was for an assessment I did at the Commission this summer. In having done some assessments a few times recently, I'm finding it kinda funny I have to admit that teaching was pretty high on my list too. I admit, I never saw myself teaching in an academic situation, for whatever reason, I see myself as being more of a practical teacher, whether it's training employees to do something, whether it be a seminar or a new procedure, I don't have qualms about either, but it makes me laugh that my friend Wess jokingly told me that I'll never escape teaching, it's just a part of me. It's funny that when I told my aunt about the discernment process and my thoughts on that, she said, "If you don't become a teacher, I'll kill you." I do realize she was kidding- dry humor and all that.

So for now, I think I'm pretty much to the point where if the time is right for everyone involved in making decisions concerning me, I think I'm ready to have a decision made.

There is a bit of nervousness associated with this, that I may not be 'good enough' and that I may not hold whatever it is that people think they need to see within a religious leader. The whole not being good enough is something I struggle with anyway, and I'm understanding of the fact that I'm not going to be able to reach Everybody's expectations. So I guess for me it has come down to a couple things:
Do I believe this is where I'm supposed to go, now?
With every fiber of my being, yes. I feel like this is an opportunity to give myself to God in a way that encompasses every part of me. I guess I feel like were the ordaination part not present, I wouldn't be giving God all of myself. It's almost like part of me needs that outer sign of "here, have All of me, not just these parts on Sunday." I feel like maybe this will help me find the connection with God that I just don't have yet. Am I wrong, maybe, I don't know. I need guidance on this point and whether that is selfish or not.

Cuz, frankly I don't feel good enough, I don't feel like I've got that connection with God that I should have. But I guess the thing for me is that I feel like I have the yearning for these things. I feel like I have the potential to do good things, to serve God's people, and to lead them. I remember a conversation I had with MaryCat and Pastor Ray at my interview for the WELCM Peer Minister position. He said to me that it's natural to want to get something out of it, that this sort of thing isn't purely for altruistic reasons that if I as a human am not getting anything out of it, then it's not a good idea.
The experience this summer with the folks in Columbia was inspiring and exciting and awesome, and I want more of that! I don't know how ordaination would figure into that but I feel like that would be a vehicle to do what God wants me to do and what I want to do, to let the people of the world to know that they're not alone and that they are not only just cared about, they are loved, even if they don't think they are. I want them to know that God loves them, but that I do too. I found that fore whatever reason, people I literally just met were telling me things that I doubt they would have told other people. It was amazing, we'd just be sitting on a bench waiting for the bus and I would say hi and we'd talk about the weather or about the bus how it was late or whatever and I'd just ask, "so do you live here in Columbia?"
I wasn't probing for anything, I was just a fellow traveler waiting for the bus and I learned a lot about some very amazing people. I feel blessed and honored that those people let themselves feel comfortable enough to talk to me. That wasn't always true there were some people who ignored me but it's easy to tell when people just don't feel like talking. Those are times when I sit content with the silence and just see what happens.
I have come to realize that that ability I have is a gift. It has only come from God, because I'm not doing anything, I'm just there doing my thing and I like people genuinely, and they just seem to feel comfortable talking to me.
I was talking to this lady who comes and helpes my mom with Nikki and she said that she saw me being involved in street ministry. That sounds kinda cool. I don't know how that would work or what I'd do but that sounded cool. All I know, is that I got to hear stories from people about their lives and the realities of the things they faced and I felt like I was getting a more-human understanding of things that are tossed around on the news.
And I don't for whatever reason feel like fighting on their behalf is what I'm meant to do, I feel more like I'm supposed to be the one to spend the time to find out what they feel and what their needs are and to pass that along to someone who can do something.

So looking at a job to pay the bills from that context, maybe customer service is going to be good for me. It's not what I want, nor what I feel pulled to, That's a component, but I want to go deeper, I want to go beyond the basic needs and help them find out what it is that they're yearning for. I don't know what that means, but that's how I feel.

It's weird, but this sorta thing always seems to make me feel lighter a little bit. None of the emotions inside myself are relieved, if anything, the weight of them is lifted a little bit, but I want feedback. I need to know what to do now. I feel like I'm ready for something. I don't know what, but I'm waiting and hoping that whatever decisions are made on my behalf, that even if I can't see it now, they are made in the best interest of the big picture and my place in it.

Until later everyone.
Love,
Nancy
PS: Doc's puppy raisers may be coming to visit sometime soon.

Whole lotta stuff goin' on

Hi all,
An update on what's up with me.
I went to St. Matthew's today. It was cool, it's fun. I'm meeting people that knew me when i was younger. It's kinda sad though, there's someone there that my parents didn't have a good experience with, so no one will come and share the experience with me, but hey at least they're taking me to church!
Not much news on the Cole-front... heehee. Is it sad that I thought of that joke the other day, but oh well. Lol. Anyhoo, I called Clemson University on Friday and left an email with a prof in the Vet Department. I'm sure he's not the right person (his concentration is embryos and fertility) so hopefully he'll forward me on to someone else.
There's another lead too though. Ed Bible from the Commission said he knows a vet in Columbia who may be able to help and on our small budget.
My counselor from the Commission is coming on Wednesday. We're going to ammend my Employment Plan so that I can proceed with the Customer Service thing. It's not really what I want to do or where I feel pulled, but this will give me another opportunity to learn things and have some money in my pocket too. I'm looking forward to my meeting on the 18th. I chatted with Wess and my folks and I may go out to dinner afterward and take him and Melody, who knows...
Anyways, I'm just chillin' for now. I chatted with the priests at St. Mats about Spiritual Direction. They want me to give them a call this week. One is leaving in the morning to go to Charleston because a kid in the parish is at MUSC. Don't remember his first name but I'm going to be praying for the Winkles family. The other is going on vacation on Wednesday.
So, there's a lot going on, then there's not, ya know...
Oh well, post later.
Bye all