'The Calling' Part 1

It was recommended to me to give this documentary a watch. It's about seven young people who are going to become religious leaders.
A couple things that struck me. I identified with the girl who was going to be a chaplain. I identified with her on the basis of her parents pressuring her about getting married and having kids and her father asking how she can talk about familial life while not having a family herself. Both of those topics I've heard from my parents. There are comments about whether or not their will ever be grandchildren. Personally, as of right now in my life, I don't feel that I'm supposed to be with someone. I really do feel like I'm supposed to be single, so hopefully the pressure will take a break, but they're my parents and they care, so we shall see on that.
Something that struck me was that in every situation for all of the folks that were shown tonight, it seemed as if they all were a leader of a group. Maybe it's my own fears or concerns of lack of knowledge, I don't really know. But for some reason, I feel like I'm still in a learning phase. Maybe I need to push my comfort limit of feeling more comfortable as an assistant right now rather than a leader. I don't really know for sure.
So, what did I get out of watching this first part? I guess it really isn't something I'm surprised by, to me it seems that being open but being active, however that works. I'm open to new ideas of trying things, and I do think I need to be challenged. Maybe it's spending time with youth. I don't really know why, but youth kind of make me nervous. I don't really know how to talk to them, which is kind of weird because it wasn't long ago that I used to be one.
So did I make any big 'aha' realizations? After having just watched this, nope. But being open, who knows, maybe tomorrow.
I've become comfortable with the idea that those sorts of things aren't always going to happen, but that doesn't mean that the Holy Spirit isn't working, it's that I'm just not aware of it right now.
That's the most important thing for me, this experience, the entire experience, DRYV, the parish discernment commottee, even me just being me, and living my life, it's more about being aware of the times when God could be working.
I've realized recently that I'm idealistic and naive, and that really irked me at first, how are people going to take me seriously, but then I thought about it, I'm only 24 (as so many people keep reminding me, lol) and I'm sort of expected to be a bit idealistic and that's ok.
Another thing I thought I had sort of gotten better at, but am finding I need to be reminded of, I am me, and if I am going to be true to myself and the things I hold to be true, I need to accept myself for who I am, change the things I can, accept the things I can't and learn the difference. I can't remember where that comes from at the moment, but for me I've found that to be very true.
I've rambled a lot, I'm going to have dinner with my Employment Consultant tomorrow, hopefully we'll talk about job stuff. I'll admit, I have a really hard time with the whole job thing, I really don't feel like I fit into the traditional job situation. What I mean by that, I'm not really sure. I think it's more about having someone to bounce ideas off of. I do kind of feel like being close to home is important right now. That may hurt me, and if I need to move, I'm going to have to come to terms with that.
We shall see what God holds in store. Part 2 of 'The Calling' is tomorrow @ 9 on PBS.
Peace,
Nancy

My thoughts on this time of year and other things...

This time of year brings up many emotions.
The other day I am glad to say that when my mom broke down about the loss of her mother and her feeling as if she shouldn’t feel this way, I am glad that she felt afe enough in my presence to let her self go. She said that it felt as if that set of emotions had been wanting to come out for a while. She also indicated that she felt somewhat like my dad didn’t want to hear it anymore and evidently had hinted that she should stop crying. I told her that everyone has to grieve in their own way and what works for one person doesn’t work for another and that if she needed a hug or some sort of comfort, to seek me out, just let me know first before she jumped up and grabbed me. I tend to startle badly when that happens and I don’t want her to feel bad for scaring me when she already feels bad. Another difficult part of this time of year is that Friday is her birthday. She seems very sad about all of this, and unfortunately she doesn’t have a good relationship with my dad’s mother and she’s fearful that she’ll be dirrided at a time when she needs emotional support. I don’t know what I’m going to do about that. I have thought of calling my grandmother ahead of time and mentioning my mom’s birthday and maybe we could have cake or something. I just don’t want her to be hurting more than she already is. At the same time, there is a line that I am hesitant to cross. These sorts of things, speaking up for others on their behalf is a lot easier to strangers than to family. Too much potential for bad feelings and resentment, when all I want to do is try to heal the hurt, or at least put it aside to be dealt with later, after a time when we all need the comfort of one another. I mention this because rather than having Thanksgiving at our house this year, we’re going to my grandma’s then to my aunt’s.
As far as my feelings go, I do feel a sense of sadness. It’s not going to be the same and how I will feel on Thursday, I am not sure. At a time when I know my mom is going to need comfort, can I seek that comfort from her while also giving it to her at the same time? Perhaps sharing in our grief will comfort us both, although she lost her mother and I lost my grandmother, we can both share in the loss. We shall see what becomes of Thursday.
In other news, I think I’ll mention this past weekend last. I would like to mention a conversation I had with my good friend Wess the other day. We were talking about a lot of things that were tied together but one of the more-important conversations we had was a discussion on my considering going back to Winthrop as a grad student in Psychology. If anything, I think grief counseling would be something that I think I would enjoy is not the right word, but it’s something I think I can be helpful with.
So here we were talking about psychology and he’s considering it, so we were talking about our views on why we find it a somewhat suitable field to go into. We were talking about the differences between a priest and a psychologist. One of the things he said struck me. He said, “I want to help God’s people, I don’t want to lead them to God.” That struck me, and struck me hard. I realized in that moment that I Do. I Really Do. I want to help people to know God.
I have never said those words to my knowledge my entire time in this discernment process, but when confronted by it directly, I realized, I do want to do that. Then I’m faced with my feelings of inadequacy.
I don’t feel comfortable leading people toward God yet. I feel like telling my story is a good first step but in order to support them, I would feel more comfortable with more knowledge. Maybe that’s the wrong thing to say, but that’s how I feel right now.
We were also talking about Psychology and there just seems to be something missing there that I need. It’s I guess, the Spiritual component, talking about God. I would think that in a psychological capacity, were someone to come to me, there may be some subjects, such as God that it would be inappropriate to discuss. However, were I to be in a pastoral position, that is a major component of what a priest talks about.
I can’t explain why I’m not talking about the deaconate or the lay ministry. I was fortunate enough this past weekend to have a roommate who is the liason between the COM and the COM of the Baptised. We would be talking about the discernment process and she would always remind me to consider the lay ministry as well. Which fits in neatly with my ‘homework’ that my spiritual director Roy gave me.
I didn’t ask for clarification but in a nutshell, I was to consider the baptismal covenant which says that we are all called to a ministry. I admit, I forget that, especially since the process focuses around the ordaination for holy orders.
Which brings me to another important topic. It’s time for me to do some investigating and trying-on of things. About a year ago while I was in the DRYV program, we had a Ministry Project. It was designed to have us step outside our comfort zone and try on a form of ministry.
My ministry project just-so-happened to fall in nicely with an opening for a peer minister position. I thoroughly enjoyed that experience. I discovered a few things about myself, one being that once I understood what was needed to be done, it was easy to do when MaryCat wasn’t around to do those things. These were things such as calling the group to order, giving information about upcoming events and we hosted a program on faith and music. I even did a homily. Interestingly, it was about why one should trust in God. We had a lot of fun and it did a lot for my self-confidence.
I think what has happened now, is that I seem to be in a semi-permenant position, at least for the next month and a half or so, and the urgency is there to do things. Before I move forward, I want to explain my definition of urgency. I do not mean anxiety, or the fear of time running out. It’s more like a fire has been lit and I need to try things.
Another important thing I got out of this past weekend, was that I do feel as though my place is behind that altar table sharing Christ’s body and blood with people. I want them to know God. I don’t yet have the words to explain what I mean, but an important thing I have learned in this process, once I start thinking about something, eventually, more often than not, with someone else’s help, I am eventually able to listen to what my heart, and presumably God are trying to tell me.
I think another important thing for me is that I have found my excitement and enthusiasm for ministry. I want to get in there and try everything. I know there are some things I cannot do, not in that I’m not capable, those are just things that you have to be ordained to do.
I know I can be taught to do just about anything, I’m smart, I don’t quit, and when my enthusiasm and excitement are ignited, it’s usually hard to detur me from something. Although to be fair to myself, I did just come from an exciting experience, and I’m not sure if I’ve ‘come down’ yet.
At the suggestion of Marie, a priest at St. Matthews, I’m going to wait two weeks before seeing my spiritual director again, which fits nicely with our time table anyway.
I’m looking forward to talking to my committee again. A lot has happened in the last two months. I had more experiences with people and it wasn’t as if I was trying to, it just kind of happened, but I know that it was right.
Someone this past weekend said that because of the things I’ve done, I’m already doing my ministry. So begs the question, do I need to be ordained to do that, if I already am. I still cannot answer that question. I’m to the point that I’ve stopped constantly asking myself that question. I’m now to the point that the answer to that question will be revealed in time. To quote something, “on God’s timetable.”
That is something that I’m getting more comfortable with accepting, the idea that I may be trusting in God and simply not realizing it. Although if I acknowledge it, wouldn’t it suggest that I realize it?
Sorry, know I got a bit lost in my thoughts there, but I figure if you’d gotten bored already, you’d have stopped reading by now.
So in a nutshell- this is too much to fit into a nutshell- but I’m thankful to God that I got up the courage to write these things down, but more-importantly, I feel comfortable enough to share them with you. Because I know that you all care about me.
God bless you all and I pray for safe travels and if I am unable to see you, for a Merry Christmas and much love and happiness to you and your families.
Much love,
Nancy

Been doing pretty well

Hi all,
So I have no idea how long it's been since I last posted.
I did realize something recently though. My mom doesn't seem to think that I'm having a good time or making any friends. That makes me sad...but also raises a good point. I need to be more aware of the things I say.
I admit, I had some stuff to get over about coming down here. Although, I did find it comforting to know that I'm not the only college graduate down here who felt the same way. He's now at home in Spartanburg doing his on-the-job-training. I'm still in jaws class, although I think theoretically i'll be finished tomorrow. I've just got to read the final two lessons in Microsoft Excell. Evidently they're pretty easy.
My mom May be getting a job, but in case she doesn't, I won't say much. Just keep her in your thoughts and prayers on Saturday.
Another piece of news. I'm going to see my Spiritual Director tomorrow. I'm excited about it.
Also, I've got my ride to Gravatt figured out on the 19th. it turns out that the Commission is going to take me. I had been concerned about it and asked someone about it and they had said the Commission wouldn't take me. It turns out however, that there is no problem taking me. My driver that had been taking me home is just going to take me there instead.
Now I'm working on my ride back. I FB messaged the priest at the church in Spartanburg, Fr. Rob and he mentioned four people who are going, and he and I are going to chat on Sunday.
So, as of right now, I made a decision that I'm ok with. I'm going to persue the Customer Service route right now. I figure, thinking more short-term is a little easier, but the hard part comes in well, what would I like to do... that's why I've been doing a Lot of job searching. I've got an excell spreadsheet that has job types that appeal to me and what types of job descriptions are interesting to me. I'm now trying to figure out what I could do to put customer service and sound stuff together. That'd be interesting.
So the saga continues...
hope all is well.
Nancy

A fellow traveler's story

I find that the shower is a great place for reflection. I mean, what else is there to do. The talk of cleaning oneself has become autopilot by now so I can turn my mind to other thoughts.

It's pretty amazing that wherever I go, I find a new person with a new story to tell. I have my own mixed feelings about being down at the Commission but this story affirms for me that I'm supposed to be there right now.

At the Commission, all of us blind folk have time to spend with one another, a lot of time. And some of the topics of discussion range from where you're from to the pivotal question, "so, how did you lose your vision?"

Everyone's story is different and I have to say in my twenty-four years of life, I've never heard a story like this one.

Last week early in the week, I asked one of the folks the question. His response was, "It's complicated". I thought nothing of it as some reasons for losing vision are indeed complicated. I think it was Wednesday that I found myself in the Resource Room sitting on the sofa with this man who can often be found sitting there during a free period, or just waiting for the next class to start.

I sat down and said my customary 'good morning' and asked how classes were going. His response was surprising. He apologized. I had no idea why he had done this so I said, "Whare are you apologizing for?" He said that he felt bad for not answering my question. I said that no apology was needed and I understood that it may have been something he didn't want to talk about.

Then he started telling me his story. He told a story of such anguish and pain that I can still feel it down in my soul. He told of how he hadn't slept for a few days, of praying, running naked through the woods, waking up there the next morning, then the next night hearing and feeling screams of pain and suffering. And he felt that these screams were because of him. He evidently had had this thought before, as he said later. But he offered up to the voices, "should I take out my eyes". The voices said yes.

He walked outside that night under the moonlight and ripped his eyes from his sockets...

At this point in his story, I'm stunned. I don't even remember breathing. He went on because I think I asked him whether his eyes were prosthetics like my right eye is, and he said that no, the doctor had been able to put them back in, then he said something that brought the world back into sharp focus.

"Go ahead, and tell me I'm crazy, lots of people have."

At that moment, such an overflowing wave of hurt and compassion on his behalf, and love for him swept over me. I said to him. "No, I'm not going to. I can't tell you that you don't believe what you heard. The only one who can know something like that is you."

I had this overwhelming urge to give him a hug, but I refrained. For a while, I'd wondered why, but this morning in the whoser, I think I figured out why. Sometimes when I'm in high anxiety, and if I don't see it coming, I can sometimes lash out. I think part of my reasoning for not giving him a hug at that point, was that I was trying to protect myself. Not so much from him, but more from his physical reaction. What I did do, because I had to go to class was as I passed the end of the sofa, I put my hand on his shoulder and squeezed.

I know he took a great risk in sharing his story with me, leaving himself bare for my scorn and I feel bad that I didn't give him a hug, but in my words and other actions, I'm going to try to convey my love and compassion for him. He's someone who went through mental and physical anguish and evidently has been scorned for it. I hope I'm on the list of those that care for him, because I do.

--

I had thought I was going to write more about my thoughts and feelings of being at the Commission in this post, but his story deserves to stand alone.
Much love to you all
Nancy

It's Been A While

Hi guys,
So, no, I haven't disapeared, I've just been getting used to the situation I've found myself in and have during this weekend come up with some pretty amazing ideas.

First off, a summary in-brief of what's been going on with me.
I've been down in Columbia at the Commission for the Blind. Tomorrow will be my third week there.
As far as I understand it, my purpose for being there as of now is to learn to use a braille display and to complete their course of training on Microsoft Excel. Frankly, I still can't think of what I'd use Excel for other than maybe some sort of budgeting, although my bank stuff is online so I'm not sure if I'll use it for my personal finances, but I get the point of it. It's a good way of organizing things. Tomorrow, I start the lesson on formulas. I'm flying through the lessons. They build on each other and the trainer says that I should be finished with that in three or four weeks, although maybe it's now tow or three, who knows.
The other thing I am learning how to use is a braille display, it's actually sort of what the name implies, it's a mechanical device connected via a usb port to a computer. In tandem with my talking software, it has braille letters pop up. It's pretty cool, I kind of get a little bit emotional about it, there's just something amazing and freeing about being able to read things. I haven't been able to read large amounts of printed information in a very long time so I spent a majority of my college career listening to what was being read to me, so being able to read it to myself and not listening to a robot is a nice change. I can't really put it into words but that's as close as I can get. Being able to read the Bible is pretty cool, thanks to the internet, I can read whatever I want whenever, as long as I have JAWS on and a braille display plugged in.

I'll admit, I had some anxiety about coming down here. I sort of felt- and still do a little bit if I'm honest with myself, that if I continue on with this I won't be able to continue on with the discernment process. I have to say, the folks at the Commission have been pretty cool. There was some initial confusion as to my reason for being there because they were under the impression I was going off to seminary. I didn't mean to give that impression, but I must have.
I got a chance to talk with a good friend of mine who actually understood my thoughts and my concerns and was able to make me feel better. She assured me that this was just a 'stepping stone' and asked me if I thought I could give whatever I end up doing the attention it deserved. I'm sure I can do that.
Knowing me, I'm going to need this 'pep talk' more than once. I guess it's because I feel like I'm going in a totally opposite direction from where I feel I'm supposed to go. Although I'm finding a really cool reason for being there. It's a person, his name is Trace.

I've met a lot of cool people and have made a lot of friends, and I think I actually know everybody's name, which is a lot seeing as that takes me a while. But two people, well three, stick out to me in-particular. First is Randy. He and I were in JAWS class together this summer.
Randy is a guy about my dad's age who lost vision about ten yars ago. I'm not sure what caused it, but in recent years, he's lost his hearing as well, making things more difficult for the guy. On top of that, he's a Baptist Deacon. We've had lots of cool conversations. A lot of them just about life but some of them on how our denominations are different and some about how I want to serve God's people given my gifts and talents. He's an amazing, awesome, God-loving guy and I'm So glad he's here.
Another person I just adore is Aubrey. She's a 20-year-old who got an infection and lost her vision her senior year of high school. I'm not sure how she did it but she was able to graduate on time and is now at the Commission to learn skills so that she can go to college. I think she's great, she wants to be a teacher, so naturally I've talked a lot about Winthrop and the other vision impaired folks there, Gena and how teaching is what Winthrop is known for... but I usually end that conversation with "but that's just my opinion."
And finally, a really amazing person I'm glad I'm there for is my friend, Trace. He was a contractor with his own business for 15 years then worked for greenville county for 4 or 5. He's losing his vision, he's been dealing with that for about 4 or 5 years and has just generally been having a rough go of it. It's been cool having conversations with him. It's fun to sometiems 'talk shop' with him. I learned a lot from my dad and Biff and so using my knowledge, I actually can hang with his conversations and when I don't understand, I ask. He's a nice guy, still dealing with anger, I can relate, I've been there. Although, there is a divide that I can but can't cross. He lost his vision later in life, I lost some vision later in life. My vision even after getting rid of scar tissue isn't as good as it was before the cataract, but it is my 'new normal'. I found that that's actually a good way of describing my situation. Donno where I picked that up, but it helps.
It's funny because having conversations with him and thinking about things makes me wonder, I know that Counseling is something I'm suited for, I'm empathetic, a good listener and all that, but there's something that still compells me toward the priesthood. I just can't explain it other than I want to "do more than just that", and I feel like I'm supposed to. What that means and what that is, I just don't know.

There are a lot of stories about how poeple lost their vision. I've heard this from every staff member I've talked to and I agree, this place is a life-changing place. Although there can be some imporving. That can be said about every organization.
I sorta had this idea for how things could be re-worked a little bit. As it stands now, if an instructor sees something I need, they have to call up to my counselor in Greer, but as of now I don't have one, so I'm not sure who they talk to. My idea is that my folder should be wherever I am.
My idea is that there should be a counselor that's at the center and their sole responsibility is for those that are in training there. They should have the power to ammend their IPE (individual plan of employment). But I guess for some reason it doesn't work that way. It may not be a good idea, btu I figured, hey why not.

Ok... so when I started this post, I must've had an idea for something else to talk about but I can't seem to remember what it was.

I'll try to update more-often.
Thanks to you guys for reading, and most-importantly, caring.
Nancy

Doing some reading and thinking and feeling

Hi guys,
So this weenend my parents are up in Virginia for my Uncle's retirement from the Navy thus leaving myself and my two sisters to ourselves for the weekend.

We've had a good time, watching a movie or two, listening to loud music, sleeping in and just enjoying each other's company. Tonight I asked my sister if she would help me read one of the suggested readings on the resource list that is recommended during discernment. I am finding that maybe a little less than half of the suggested readings are available to me. Meaning that I'm able to access them online in a format that my talking software can read, or am able to get them in an audio format.

That has proved a bit frustrating to me. I've started reading just about everything I could get access to but haven't finished them. I'm not sure why, but there hasn't really been one that impacted me as much as the one I just had my sister read to me that talked about group spiritual discernment. It's not bad, I did find myself listening to things that would get me thinking about examples of things then I'd have to tune back in, apologize for my inattentiveness and ask her to repeat what she said. Needless to say, we got about 8 of 15 pages read and she was tired and my brain was quite full.

One of the more prominent things I got out of that was the discussion on time and how when it comes to discerning things of a spiritual nature, not rusthing is important. It's interesting that situations in my own life and that of my committee members kind of made us slow down. I will admit, I found this frustrationg at the time but now I'm greatful for the pace this process has gone so far.

I found this important becaus as of now, I am feeling a sense of time running out. There's the Commission and their plans for me and them taking their time in getting things set up, but then there is my concern that if I go through with the Commission's plans and my discernment committee says yes, I'm going to step out of the commission's plans and into the process that may lead to seminary.

I've been told that it's ok to do that if my discernment continues and I get to go forward and off to school. I really really do want to go forward in this process. I understand that I'm not supposed to 'convince' my committee of anything just be honest but I admit, it seems like it would be easier just to say what I need to in order to make this happen. Two problems with that though, one, I have no idea what those things would be. Two, that wouldn't be being honest with myself or the process and why even continue if I'm not going to be honest. So basically, I figure that's overall just not a good idea, so then how do I proceed?

Well, I figure I'm looking for experiences that help me to figure out this crazy thing that I'm trying to figure out. I've really enjoyed working with the folks at the food pantry and helping them get set up and I really enjoyed my interactions with the wonderful amazing people I met this summer, and I've even learned some things while going through this process of wrapping my heart around the idea of my grandmother not being here.

It's strange, I don't really feel as much pain as I thought I would a week after barrying her. Yes there is still 'something' that makes me want to tear up sometimes. What it is, I'm not able to figure out right now. I do feel like I need someone to sit down with me and ask questions that will help me to better understand my thoughts. Then I have this thought, maybe I'm not meant to understand, maybe I'm just meant to feel and nothing more.

It's funny, I think about all of those things, the grieving process, the interactions I've had, the people I've met the things I've done and I ask myself, "So, do all these things lead you to think you should be a Priest? Or should you consider something else?"

The only thing I can think of in response to that is "I want to use all of my experiences to be able to comfort those in need of comforting, share the things I've learned in my short life about God and how I relate to Him with those who are interested, and to share my love of people with those who just need to know someone loves them." Is that a 'good enough' answer? I have no idea. That's further than I was before... so I guess that's something.

I want you all to know that I appreciate your reading of this. For some reason, I tend to do better at this 'journal' thing when I know someone is interested in my thoughts and feelings. Call it what you will, frankly I can't think of a depricating thing to call it, so I'll just leave it at that.

I guess to put it in plain english. I Yearn to serve God's people. It's a feeling akin to the strong emotions I feel about my grandma having died. I don't understand it but when I think, talk or write about it, I get the feeling every time. It's a 'tug' or a lurch in my heart that is so strong I want to fall on the floor and sob.

Am I being stubborn in having a hard time considering other things. Am I not giving this process the open-mindedness it deserves. I don't know. I just feel like this is what I'm supposed to do. I guess I don't really understand how the ordaination aspect would change things. I guess I need to see it for myself. I'm going to chat with Fr. Rob tomorrow at church about when we can meet and mention (per Roy's advice) that I'm going to meet with my discernment committee before the end of September, probably in the last week, and I need to have seen what it's like to do what it is that he does. How this will work, I don't know. I'm hopeful though.

The one thing that has kept me going through all of the self-doubt and questioning of myself is that 'feeling' of this is good, this is right. I've Never ever gotten the thought to stop or to postpone, I actually have the feeling of 'why not now?' I'm told by people that this time in my life is a 'transition point'. That brings a lot of uncertainty, but for some reason the only certain thing I have right now is that this discernment process is an important thing for me to go through now.

Am I being too honest? I don't know, but I was told to be honest. If that hurts me in the end, then why say it if you don't want me to take you literally.

I don't know if this has made any sense but going back to my first point. The time at times can be a pain because I feel like I should be doing something, but not knowing what, I wait. Then the thought of time is daunting and if these things don't happen at the right time, I'm stuck. So basically the only thing I've realized is that I can't control time so I do what I feel is right at the time and hope and pray that things will turn out the way they are supposed to.

Much love to you all for listening to my ramblings :)
Nancy

The Show Must Go On

In a few words...
It has been a Long couple of days.

It feels like it's been a week but in reality it's only been a few days. It's harder to talk about an a little easier to write about, but I'm finding myself tearing up as I'm writing this.
In some ways, I kind of enjoyed the quiet after we burried grandma, but my dad refused to let that last more than about twenty-four yours.
A lot of family came over on Friday, but it just-so-happened to be my Uncle Mike- my mom's older brother- birthday on Friday.
Saturday morning we got up, got ready and got in the car. It's actually kinda funny, on the way there the song "puttin' on my boogie shoes' came on, and that made me think of how much fun grandma must be having up in heaven. That made me chuckle. But as we got closer and closer to the place where grandma was going to be burried, the more nervous I felt and the weight and pain in my chest got heavier and more pronounced. I was relieved that she was still in the herse when we got there, although due to having my sister and her stroller- off-road wheelchair, it's cool- we had to park behind it. I stayed relatively a good bit away from that.
We all got out of the car and were sorta mingling with people. I don't really remember who I talked to, it was kind of a blur, and I feel like a lot of it was spent in a fog. Then the guy in charge got all the folks carrying the casket- paul bearers, I don't know how to spell that- together. He had us stand out of the way then we as the family followed. As we walked under the tent, I tripped over something and fell into a chair. I learned later that it was a grave marker.
I moved a row forward and sat beside my sister.

I don't remember much from the sermon or whatever it was. The one thing I remember in the beginning was that he said that grandma had graduated and that graduation heralds good things afterward. That made sense to me.
Then the lady who takes care of Nikki- my twin- got up and sang. She had become good friends with my grandma over the years and she wanted to say something and then sing a song. It wasn't the song that my grandma wanted, but Vanessa didn't know that one and wanted to do a good job, so I was cool with it. Because that was kinda the thing I felt responsible for. My grandma had told me back when I was in the choir in high school, that that song was the one that she wanted.
So Vanessa sang. It wasn't until she got to the chorus and it kind of took on a soulful tone that I lost my control of myself. I had been crying but it was just tears running down my face, at that point I sobbed, and it set my sister to crying... I'm sure this is bad, but I kinda find that funny now... donno why, I'm just weird I guess.

Then the minister talked about how my grandma would walk to the church that he works for and she would refuse a ride, that's just how she was you know, independent.

Then I don't remember how it ended, but I stayed to watch them lower the casket, my sister and dad couldn't do that, so they left and my mom was still crying with my Uncle Mike and Aunt Sally. I have to say, my cousin's wives, Ashley and Miranda are great. (Hi Miranda and I'm not just saying that because you're reading this ;)) they came up to Chelsea0 my younger sister- and I, and gave us hugs and let us cry. That was awesome.

I needed to see it completed, so as the funeral folks were taking the drapes off of the chairs, I went up to one of them- found out it was the guy in charge- and got him to explain everything that was going on. It was really neat, evidently in this cemetary, they put the caskets in a concrete box and the lid lays on a sliding bar behind the casket during the service, then they lower the casket into the box, then slide the lid forward and seal it. Then they lower the box into the grave. Then I watched them take the mechanism apart. I would have stayed and watched as they covered the box with dirt, but my dad came and him and someone else wouldn't let me.

It some how made me feel better to see it completed. I also tossed one of the carnations that she had on her casket into the hole after they lowered it. I'm glad I stayed and watched.

Then afterwards, my family, my cousins, Scott and Andy with their wives Ashley and Miranda, my Uncle Mike and his wife Susan and my cousins Laura and Sara, and my Aunt Sally and Uncle Thurl (Andy and Scott's parents) all went out to eat. That was what grandma wanted us to do and frankly I'm glad we did. We had a lot of fun. There were 13 of us, but 12 that needed chairs because Nikki was still in her stroller, so some of us had to go to another table. Luckily it wasn't too far away. It was fun, I went over to the other table with Scott Andy Miranda and Ashley. We joked that we were sent to the kids table. But as the lunch progressed, it turned into a silly experience. My dad was shooting spitballs at my cousins and Scott was tossing little pieces of corn bread back at the other table, but hitting almost everyone else But my dad. Andy was laughing and couldn't figure out how they were shooting over my head and hitting him. My dad said it was because he has skills. Needless to say, it was fun.

After the day before with people at our house, I appreciated coming home and it being quiet. The funeral home had put signs in our yard that said 'slow down, funeral' on them. It was pretty cool, neighbors came and brought stuff, a lot of cake, white bread, and lunch meat. The sentiment was nice, although most of it went to feeding our family that came over on Friday.

Yesterday, Sunday, my dad put the pictures of grandma away. The had been on a table that we set up in our Living Room for the party on Friday and Uncle Mike brought all of these pictures. Frankly, it's been hard for me to look at pictures of grandma, and quite by accident I had to go hang up the clothes that the funeral home didn't use and in her closet, I found her favorite pink fluffy sweater and accidentally touched it. That still makes me really sad to remember what it felt like, and I'm kinda glad that my Aunt Sally took all of grandma's clothes with her yesterday. Smelling grandma was hard.

So my dad took down the piectures and unfortunately that was while mom was out. She came home to find them all in the storage bin they came in. She got upset and is still kinda mad at my dad about that.

It's interesting, some people find comfort in looking at pictures and can't bear to see them go, but I can't stand to look at them, it hurts too much. Although Ashley and Scott brought us pictures that they took of grandma with their son Cowen a few weeks ago. I got the one where she was smiling and looking lovingly and Cowen and Scott, all the others made me too sad.

The other thing is that grandma's room had once been Chelsea's room then she moved into mine when grandma came then she got her own room when we turned our front pourch into a room for her about a year ago. So my mom said that she wanted me to move into the room that grandma used to be in. At first I didn't want to, but my mom kept saying how grandma never wanted to push us out of our rooms. I agreed to move, but I didn't want anything in my room that belonged to grandma, it hurts too much. I know that hurt my mom's feelings and I apologized but that's just the way I feel. Maybe it'll be different later. I just kinda need a break and get used to the idea of her not being here.

So last night, I was feeling restless and took apart grandma's bed and put it on the back pourch and it's going to go to one of Andy's kids because she said the other day that she wanted a bed like that someday. So I took it apart and put the bolts and washers into a bag so the bed can be put back together.

Then today my dad and I went and got paint. It's a green color, I like it. I didn't want to keep the carpet that had been in there, so we took that up too. We got the room painted today and I'm going to mop the floor in the morning.

My dad and I also went and got me a bed. I've been sleeping on a 'built in' bed in the room I'm in now. So we went everywhere today and finally we got one. It's pretty cool. It's used and really nice wood, so we're going to sand it and paint it tomorrow.

So this whole 'moving on' thing is hard but helpful at the same time. I don't want to be disloyal by forgetting her and moving on without her, but I'm beginning to figure out that I'm not forgetting her, I'm carrying her memory and lessons with me and she wouldn't want me to be sad and not enjoy my life. I know she was proud of me and I really miss her a lot, but the pain isn't nearly as bad as it was Saturday morning.

It's going to be a while but I know I'll be ok with it eventually. But I give myself- and others- a break by saying 'it's ok to not be ok, because we'll always miss them but know that they're always with us'.

Praying has taken on a level of oddness though. I never knew anyone in Heaven before and now that I know that someone's up there, talking to God is a strange experience now. I didn't go to Church yesterday. I kinda wanted to spend more 'quiet time' with my family. I think I'll be ready to go next Sunday. I'm not going to go to the food pantry in the morning because we're going to work on my room some more.

I thought it was really nice that Father Rob from St. Matthews sent me a Facebook message saying that Doc and I were missed yesterday. I appreciate that, and I know the folks at Our Saviour were praying for us too.

Thank you everyone.

Think I'll go see what my sister's up to, and since I'm getting sleepy, I'll probably go to sleep, just hope it's earlier than 4 in the morning.

Feel free to leave comments.

Nancy
PS: The pic is of my room so far

Clearin' out my head

Hi guys,
So where to start... news first, then purpose and whatnot later...

On Wednesday night about 11PM, my grandma passed away.
The family didn't find out (at least my immediate family) until about 12:30. The hospital called my aunt and told her, she thought it was a joke (they had woken her from a dead sleep) so she went back to bed. I don't know what woke her, maybe the hospital called her back but she called my mom histerical and told her.
We had been having a good night, we decided to watch a movie and take a break, grandma was supposed to be moved out of ICU and we made plans that when my mom was going to take me to meet with my perspective spiritual director, she was going to take some things to the hospital.
Well, my parents went to the hospital and didn't get back until about 4 or so in the morning and I of course was still awake. They told us a little bit about how she looked and such and then we all crashed. But before we went to bed, my mom told me that she still wanted me to go see my spiritual director. I admit, I appreciated that sense of it felt like the world was on pause but it was ok for me to do what I felt I needed to.

So I dragged or maybe drag/hopped myself out of bed at 9 that morning and got ready to go meet with Roy Cole. He's a retired priest who's been a priest since 1974 and served 10 parishes (churches) in 3 different Dioceses. He was a really nice guy and a lot of fun to talk to. When I sort of off-hand mentioned what had happened the night before he dropped his pen and looked at me and said, "why are you even here right now?" My response was "I'm supposed to be here, I need to be here." By 'supposed to' I don't mean because my Discernment Committee wants me to have a spiritual director, I've been wondering about a lot of things for quite a while and I knew that this would be an experience that would hopefully help me to engage those questions and hopefully begin to figure out the answers. Although, it's funny, some questions wound up causing more questions than answers.

That conversation was everything I was hoping for and more! I literally just shook this man's hand and was learning about who he was and telling him things about myself that I don't share with anybody. Although, I am more open than most people. In-fact, he said, and I'm not surprised by this, that my having the vision impairment that I have has made me to be more open to possibilities and thoughts and experiences than most people. I'm not surprised by those words but I feel awkward saying them, almost as if in some way I'm 'better' than everyone else, I'm Not. All I know about myself is that I don't meet strangers, most conversations can start out about simple things and can turn into amazing conversations. Evidently I have the ability to get people to open up and tell me things that I never expected to hear. I don't know why I get people to do it, but I can.
We talked a little bit about my not feeling qualified to tell anybody anything about God, I guess I had it in my head that you have to have read the bible first. He said that it's more about sharing my story. he said, "You've got a story don't you?... then you're qualified."
In the end, Roy changed from a perspective Spiritual Director to agreeing to be my spiritual director. We're going to meet once a month and I'm going to email him regularly with questions or thoughts on things in the meantimes. I like that idea. It's comforting to have someone that is a person I can turn to for things. It's not like nobody said that I couldn't talk to them, it was more about my having some sort of hang up. I'm not sure what that was all about but I'll admit I've felt a little lost so far in this process. I get the jist of what's going on but dealing with the self-doubt and second-guessing myself was something hard to deal with.
It's also kinda interesting that we talked about how in Pastorial Counseling one of the more-often things discussed is grief during a loss. And since this is my first closely related death that impacts me personally, he's also kind of using it as a teaching tool, or maybe just something to be thinking about. He just encouraged me to pay attention to what's going on as best I can. Keeping in mind how I feel, how I deal with things and how others deal with things. Interestingly, I'm noticing things like when people are arguing about things that really aren't important like where to put the table so we can put grandma's pictures on it, I realized that each person involved in the argument is hurting and things can sometimes come out in weird ways. It's also amazing to see how a family member who's kind of pushed everyone out of their life seems to be bringing themselves closer to the family too. I thought it was a great thing for me to be able to express to the other family members how much this person loved my grandma and how they miss her just-as-much as everyone else does. I'm hoping and praying that this experience can draw the family closer to this person because people have been hurt on both sides and we all need to band together now because we only have each other to depend on.

So I originally started writing at 3 o'clock in the morning because I had a lot on my mind and a certain way I thought this was going to go. I'm sleepy now and I don't really remember what that way was but I'm ok with the way this turned out.

My mom explained to my sister and I what happens at the funeral this morning. I've come to realize that I'm a private person with this grieving thing, but I don't know what's going to happen and at this point I realized that we're all going to be grieving and nobody will be upset with me if I get emotional in public or not. I'm my own person and griev in my own way. It's like what I told my sister, "it's ok to not be ok."

8 or 8:30 comes soon so I'm going to crash. PS: I fixed the problem with not being able to make comments, it was set to subscribers only. Who knew...
Good night all.
Nancy

Needed time to gather my thoughs

So, after I got home from the hospital yesterday, I didn't know what to think, so I decided to give myself some time to think about what it was that I saw.

I had never been to ICU and admit myself very unprepared for what I saw. It was a bit disturbing that since my grandma had a tube in her nose, her mouth was open and she appeared to be breathing rather hard. It was also very disturbing that she had large amounts of flem in her mouth and it seemed like it took forever to get someone to get a sucksion tube to remove it.

It was sad... really sad. I think the thing that got me was the lack of coherency that I noticed in her. She wasn't really aware of much. She wasn't able to open her eyes much and had these pillow-like gloves on so that she couldn't remove the tubes and whatever she had on her body.

I guess that made me think about what it was like for me wearing gloves and how uncomfortable it makes me, I feel like I lose touch with the world and kind of feel lost. I can't imagine not understanding what's going on, barely being able to see, not being able to feel anything, not even being able to scratch your nose, and only knowing that you are in pain. I think that was the part that got me the most.

At one point I could hear her breathing as if she was panicked. That made me nervous and I had to comfort her, so I moved between her and my sister who was just sort of standing there and I put my hand on her arm and was rubbing it and for some reason, that helped. I wasn't so afraid to touch her anymore. So when I noticed her breathing start to calm a little I moved my hand to her forehead and began to just talk to her. I don't remember what I said but I knew that she was responding to my touch and my voice so I continued until it got awkward. I'm not sure why I felt like it got awkward but there were about seven people counting me in the room and they were all just sort of standing around.

My mom got them to get her a cup of ice chips and she gave her some, then my aunt proceeded to do so. At one point, I believe she gave her too many or something because she started to choke. I admit, I panicked, I stepped back and my only thought was 'I don't want to be in the way.' Well I don't really remember looking specifically looking at anything but I found that looking at the monitor made me more nervous than anything I had seen before. There are three lines on it, the one in the middle was all over the place, and at one point, the one at the top went flat for a second. My sister said that it occured when she coughed.

I think if I had more knowledge of what those scary-looking lines meant I would maybe have not been so nervous, but I think the thing that I wish the most that had happened was someone explaining to me what I would see. It was dark in there and felt very lonely.

I think another hard part about this situation is the fact that my mom consented to a DNR. The doctors said that she may not survive being revived. Evidently she had been revived the last time she was in the hospital. That made my grandmother angry, she didn't want to come back. Evidently she's been calling family out of town and telling them how much she wants to die.

I'm finding that my mom will ask me rhetorical questions like 'how could someone want to die, I just don't get it' and I've realized that it's ok that I can't answer that question, she's just needing to express her feelings.

I was going to try to work on my spiritual autobiography for my meeting with a spiritual director tomorrow, but I just can't right now. I hope I don't need it and that once I explain what's going on, he'll understand.

I'm finding that I'm finding ways to get away from it all. It was kind of nice when everyone was gone, I blared my music really loud and danced around, that was fun. Then I wore myself out by trying to play drums on the level of Hard. Exhaustion is kinda nice, you don't lie there thinking while you go to sleep. I just crash.

Apparently, grandma is being moved from ICU. I was told that this happens because of the DNR and I guess they're just going to make her comfortable. There's a lot I don't understand so I work with what I got and hope for the best. Prayers are appreciated and welcome, and a call every now and then is appreciated too.

Speaking of which, I'm going to go to bed. Meeting at 10 in the morning, I'm looking forward to it.

Night all

a long post, just so you know

This post is going to pretain to what's going on in my life right now, but I must give a bit of context first.

My grandmother was living by herself for most of my life until about two years ago. She spent time in the hospital then had to move into my parent's house. She's been living with us ever since. I've been in school for the last few years so I didn't really know what it was like living with her. When she first moved in, she told me that if she had a gun she would have killed herself. I sat with her a few times and wept beside her as she cried that she wanted to go to heaven to be with her family that she missed.

Two years later, she may very well get her wish.

She's been not feeling well for about a week from last wednesday or so. It seemed like it got worse Friday evening when we were all at dinner and my mom was trying to get her to eat something. She ate a bite, maybe two then said, "Stop pushing, I just want to go".

Things had been getting bad and my parents decided that the time was nearing that she may need to go to the hospital. Well, Sunday evening about 11:30 or so, after I helped her eat a few bites of an omlet for dinner, she must've passed out. My sister heard her moaning and got my parents. My dad called 911 and they showed up. First it was a fire truck looking thing, then a few minutes later the ambulance showed up.

They took her, she had a feaver and was moaning in pain a lot. She cried out when they transferred her to the stretcher. My parents were running around getting dressed, getting all her meds, and making sure she had all her insurance papers.

My parents got back at 7 the next morning. I didn't sleep well, I was kind of on alert all night long.

The reason I'm writing this right now is because at 7:30, my mom sister and I are going to the ICU to see my grandma. I've never been to the ICU before, not even with Nikki, maybe she was on ICU, I don't remember.

I've been doing a lot of thinking since sunday night. I feel like I've made my peace with her, I know she knows I love her, and in some ways, I'm ok with the possibility of her passing on. The part I'm having a problem with now is that when I get in that room, I don't know how I'll feel. Will I be upset, will I cry? I don't know.

I don't want to. I don't want my possibly last memory of her to be my bawling my eyes out in her hospital room. I'm very unprepared for this, but ready or not, I've been asked to go.

On another note, I worked at the food pantry today and had a great time! I enjoy helping. I can visibly see that this is helping people because when I come back the next week, the shelves are empty.

I've got a meeting scheduled with a Spiritual Director on Thursday morning. I still want to meet with him. He said that he may not be able to devote time to me because I'm in the Discernment process, but he said we will see. Frankly, I'm just looking forward to the conversation. We've exchanged e-mails while setting this appointment up and he seems as excited as I am.

Back to grandma for a moment- The doctor said that it could get worse before it gets better. It has gotten worse, she has a bad infection, her heart beats are fluctuating a lot and some other bad things that I can't remember. I kinda feel like it's going in one ear and out the other. I am appreciating that I kinda have a role, I'm there listening to my mom. The good thing though, is that my dad has been talking to me alot, so I'm not carrying this alone. It's weird though, I don't feel crushed by this.

Now if she dies, I don't know, but for now I'm ok, just a little nervous.

I think that if my grandma wants to go, sure I'll miss her, but at least she will be happy.

I'll post later this evening.
By everyone
Nancy

Seven days to go

Hi all,
So first of all, an update on the searching of funds for Cole's surgery. I got an email back from a national association and they said that my vet has to apply for assistance on our behalf. So, Cole's got to go in for another glucose curve relatively soon to see how he's doing, so perfect opportunity. I want to sit down with the vet and I'm going to have someone write down exactally what the situation is, what she can and cannot do, and what she is prepared to do to help us. I like this vet, she's always been good with me as a client, she shows me things by hand instead of trying to have me see them, but my family on the other-hand, does not like her at all. So, that being said, I want to approach her to find out for myself what's going on. I think it'd make me feel better to have straight answers rather than getting them from my dad- he's not so great with details.

On another note, my employment consultant from the Commission took me yesterday to a place called the "one stop". It's neat, this is a federally funded program to to help folks get jobs. Their suggestion for me was to do assessments since I'm just entering the job market. I'm not really sure what to do now other than exploring jobs under the choices of jobs that the assessment gave me. In some weird kinda way, the religion and spirituality aspect has been first or at least highly placed in not only this assessment for work purposes, as the last one was for an assessment I did at the Commission this summer. In having done some assessments a few times recently, I'm finding it kinda funny I have to admit that teaching was pretty high on my list too. I admit, I never saw myself teaching in an academic situation, for whatever reason, I see myself as being more of a practical teacher, whether it's training employees to do something, whether it be a seminar or a new procedure, I don't have qualms about either, but it makes me laugh that my friend Wess jokingly told me that I'll never escape teaching, it's just a part of me. It's funny that when I told my aunt about the discernment process and my thoughts on that, she said, "If you don't become a teacher, I'll kill you." I do realize she was kidding- dry humor and all that.

So for now, I think I'm pretty much to the point where if the time is right for everyone involved in making decisions concerning me, I think I'm ready to have a decision made.

There is a bit of nervousness associated with this, that I may not be 'good enough' and that I may not hold whatever it is that people think they need to see within a religious leader. The whole not being good enough is something I struggle with anyway, and I'm understanding of the fact that I'm not going to be able to reach Everybody's expectations. So I guess for me it has come down to a couple things:
Do I believe this is where I'm supposed to go, now?
With every fiber of my being, yes. I feel like this is an opportunity to give myself to God in a way that encompasses every part of me. I guess I feel like were the ordaination part not present, I wouldn't be giving God all of myself. It's almost like part of me needs that outer sign of "here, have All of me, not just these parts on Sunday." I feel like maybe this will help me find the connection with God that I just don't have yet. Am I wrong, maybe, I don't know. I need guidance on this point and whether that is selfish or not.

Cuz, frankly I don't feel good enough, I don't feel like I've got that connection with God that I should have. But I guess the thing for me is that I feel like I have the yearning for these things. I feel like I have the potential to do good things, to serve God's people, and to lead them. I remember a conversation I had with MaryCat and Pastor Ray at my interview for the WELCM Peer Minister position. He said to me that it's natural to want to get something out of it, that this sort of thing isn't purely for altruistic reasons that if I as a human am not getting anything out of it, then it's not a good idea.
The experience this summer with the folks in Columbia was inspiring and exciting and awesome, and I want more of that! I don't know how ordaination would figure into that but I feel like that would be a vehicle to do what God wants me to do and what I want to do, to let the people of the world to know that they're not alone and that they are not only just cared about, they are loved, even if they don't think they are. I want them to know that God loves them, but that I do too. I found that fore whatever reason, people I literally just met were telling me things that I doubt they would have told other people. It was amazing, we'd just be sitting on a bench waiting for the bus and I would say hi and we'd talk about the weather or about the bus how it was late or whatever and I'd just ask, "so do you live here in Columbia?"
I wasn't probing for anything, I was just a fellow traveler waiting for the bus and I learned a lot about some very amazing people. I feel blessed and honored that those people let themselves feel comfortable enough to talk to me. That wasn't always true there were some people who ignored me but it's easy to tell when people just don't feel like talking. Those are times when I sit content with the silence and just see what happens.
I have come to realize that that ability I have is a gift. It has only come from God, because I'm not doing anything, I'm just there doing my thing and I like people genuinely, and they just seem to feel comfortable talking to me.
I was talking to this lady who comes and helpes my mom with Nikki and she said that she saw me being involved in street ministry. That sounds kinda cool. I don't know how that would work or what I'd do but that sounded cool. All I know, is that I got to hear stories from people about their lives and the realities of the things they faced and I felt like I was getting a more-human understanding of things that are tossed around on the news.
And I don't for whatever reason feel like fighting on their behalf is what I'm meant to do, I feel more like I'm supposed to be the one to spend the time to find out what they feel and what their needs are and to pass that along to someone who can do something.

So looking at a job to pay the bills from that context, maybe customer service is going to be good for me. It's not what I want, nor what I feel pulled to, That's a component, but I want to go deeper, I want to go beyond the basic needs and help them find out what it is that they're yearning for. I don't know what that means, but that's how I feel.

It's weird, but this sorta thing always seems to make me feel lighter a little bit. None of the emotions inside myself are relieved, if anything, the weight of them is lifted a little bit, but I want feedback. I need to know what to do now. I feel like I'm ready for something. I don't know what, but I'm waiting and hoping that whatever decisions are made on my behalf, that even if I can't see it now, they are made in the best interest of the big picture and my place in it.

Until later everyone.
Love,
Nancy
PS: Doc's puppy raisers may be coming to visit sometime soon.

Whole lotta stuff goin' on

Hi all,
An update on what's up with me.
I went to St. Matthew's today. It was cool, it's fun. I'm meeting people that knew me when i was younger. It's kinda sad though, there's someone there that my parents didn't have a good experience with, so no one will come and share the experience with me, but hey at least they're taking me to church!
Not much news on the Cole-front... heehee. Is it sad that I thought of that joke the other day, but oh well. Lol. Anyhoo, I called Clemson University on Friday and left an email with a prof in the Vet Department. I'm sure he's not the right person (his concentration is embryos and fertility) so hopefully he'll forward me on to someone else.
There's another lead too though. Ed Bible from the Commission said he knows a vet in Columbia who may be able to help and on our small budget.
My counselor from the Commission is coming on Wednesday. We're going to ammend my Employment Plan so that I can proceed with the Customer Service thing. It's not really what I want to do or where I feel pulled, but this will give me another opportunity to learn things and have some money in my pocket too. I'm looking forward to my meeting on the 18th. I chatted with Wess and my folks and I may go out to dinner afterward and take him and Melody, who knows...
Anyways, I'm just chillin' for now. I chatted with the priests at St. Mats about Spiritual Direction. They want me to give them a call this week. One is leaving in the morning to go to Charleston because a kid in the parish is at MUSC. Don't remember his first name but I'm going to be praying for the Winkles family. The other is going on vacation on Wednesday.
So, there's a lot going on, then there's not, ya know...
Oh well, post later.
Bye all

at home

It's weird to be home. It's not bad, it's actually kinda nice.
I just saw the special that ETV did on me talking about my internship. For some reason I'm feeling kinda sad. I'm not sure if it's because I'm now waiting or what.
I've gotten an email from Charlie- my sponsoring priest, he asked me what I was planning to do now.
I talked to Ed last week- on Friday. We talked about working in a call center. I don't think it's a horrible idea. I don't understand why I'm feeling sad, and what I'm sad about.
I think I'm a little nervous about my upcoming meeting with my committee on the 18th and I'm a little anxious about going down to Columbia tomorrow. Getting my stipend from this experience is cool, I know I deserve it but I'm sad.
I wonder if part of it has to do with this being truly the end. I'd like to do more with theatre and I think it'd be ok to do it for fun. I'd prefer to do it as a professional. I think the part that makes me sad is that in the interview, everyone seemed excited about the fact that I was doing my internship, but now it feels like "yeah that's cool, but now it's time to go get a real job." Nobody has actually said that.
I think another part of my feeling so sad is Cole... It's very hard for me to look at Cole. I can see that his eyes are cloudy. I know what that means, I can see it. He gets lost in the backyard. He runs into things. I'm having a really hard time with this. It's hard to watch him struggling to walk around like this. He's a shadow of my guide that he once was. It's painful. Even though I know there was nothing I could have done, I feel like I could have done more. I know that's not rational. I know it doesn't make any sense but I just feel... awful. I want better for him. He deserves better. I called my eye doctor yesterday and haven't heard back from him yet. He's in the Sierra club or something but I was wondering if he could help me find ways of funding surgery for Cole.
The surgery is 6,000 and I can't afford to pay for it. I'm going to look at colleges that teach vet medicine and see if maybe one of them would be willing to do it at a reduced rate.
My dad heard about a vet in Greenville who would do it and help with raising the money for it but the lady he heard it from he hasn't seen in a while. I want to do something! I'm having a hard time sitting here waiting. I kind of feel like I'm drowning. And I don't feel like it's something I'm expressing very well.

I have no idea what this post was supposed to be but here it is. Prayers, suggestions and whatnot would be helpful.
Later

Hasn't been much going on

Hi all,
So yeah, it's been over a week almost a week and a half since I last posted.
In brief, the show is going quite well. I'm about to the point now where I don't really need the stage manager much as far as calling cues, mostly for scene shifts.
As for other news, I'm getting a lot of publicity for this internship. I've already done an interview with ETV (SC's version of PBS). They're actually doing a ten minute segment about what I'm up to. I'm still in awe about that though, I guess I forget that being a vision impaired persion doing theatre is a rare thing. It's just normal to me. I guess that makes me even more interesting. I donno.
Other than that, I've got one more week here. I got a roommate last week, she's pretty cool. I'm going to be on the news tonight, so I'm going to go. I'll post the link here later.
Nancy

a couple shows down, 11 or so more to go

So, we opened Friday night to a full house. We got a standing O at the end.
I've found that because I've seen this show more times than I can count, I forgot about the jokes and the things that make people laugh, so it's a surprise when they laugh at things. Then at other times when their are things I thought were funny the audience doesn't laugh at. I'm guessing that a particular line or thing that an actor does is associated with something funny that happened during rehearsal.

My parents came to the show yesterday. Their reaction was the same that I had, the show is "cute". I mean, c'mon you've got dancing kids, people in disguise, a dancing Santa (my Dad thought that was funny) and two dogs, one of which sometimes goes to Annie when she calls him/her. Yesterday, Daisy was facing the wrong way and the guy playing the cop had to walk her backward. Then he delivers the line "well I guess he really is your dog". The house was practically falling out of their chairs laughing.

Something funny that happened opening night was in the change between the second to last, and the last scene, I think an actor (possibly the guy playing Warbucks) just-so-happened to be changing and someone moved a curtain or something and evidently you could see someone standing there in their boxers changing.

The SM- Toni is great, she gives me the play-by-play when things like that happen. She doesn't have to do that, but I am really appreciative of the fact that she does.

Running lights is proving to be a lot of fun. I've never done it for a show before. It's not really a hard show to do lights for, there is an anxiety-producing scene, it's the N.Y.C. number in Act 1. There's a lot of lighting changes in quick succession all the while there are also cues to turn the spotlight on and off, dropping and securing the trap and flying some things in and out.

I've encountered a shift in ideology here in-regards to waiting for the Stage Manager to say 'go'. The TD believes that if I know when to go and if Toni is busy, then I should just go. I'm not really sure how I feel about that. I pretty-much know when things are going to happen, but I feel a bit uncomfortable with doing it independently due to the fact that I may not see something. I've learned where to look and what to look for, but still... I generally just wait for her to say go. I've also noticed that I'll get excited or nervous and once I hit go prematurely and they weren't even done setting up yet. At least it wasn't opening night. I've found that waiting for go gives me a sense of calm and reassurance. Weird, I donno.

We've got about 11 or so shows to go. We close on the 24th and strike on the 25th. As of right now, I'm not sure what I'll be doing, or even where I'll be. There's the possibility to stay here to get more JAWS training (talking software). I've been getting some and it's proving helpful. Just kinda wished I'd had it before college, but hey I survived and did a pretty good job, if I do say so myself.

So, we shall see. The bus schedule is changing on Monday, don't know how that's going to affect me. We've got dark days on Monday and Tuesday anyway, so I'll keep you guys posted with what's happening over the next two weeks or so.

Bye for now.

Tomorrow! Tomorrow! We Preview Tomorrow!

Lol, I couldn't resist. I gaurantee I'll know every line of every song in this show by the end. I'm about half way there already!

So, I've been running lights for the show this being my second day of a full run with lights, I think. My brain's a little tired.
I know this is normal with tech but it's a little frustrating when every time I show up, we've got more cues. They look great, don't get me wrong, it just makes my life that little bit more complicated. The SM has a lot going on and she's missed a few cues here and there and it was only because I remembered there was a cue there that we got it going.
It's really not that bad, I'd say 60 or 70 cues but I heard the director say that she wants more, so there's no telling how many we'll have by opening night. I'm actually not doing too bad with this whole light thing. I'm finding that it's easier when cues follow along with the music or some sort of action that's happening on stage. Then there are those random ones that don't make any sense when I hit the button because they're on 5 seconds fade, but by the time they're up, it looks great.

I don't know why it got so hot here again, but man it's not cool litterally and figuratively. I woke up this morning about 3am feeling sick and my mom thinks it might've been the heat. So, I'm tired, and having a slow brain is not a good thing when there are a lot of cues that happen in relatively quick sucession.

Anyway, I had more to talk about, but I'm falling asleep here at my computer.
Night

Tech Rehearsal- Just hang out and watch

So we've been in tech rehearsal for almost a week now... What a weird thought.
I'm not used to having so much time for tech, I'm glad though, I feel like I will be very prepared once we start the show.
This is particularly important for me because I will be running lights for this show. I've seen a rough que of the lighting for act 1. It's not as... there is not as much going on with the lights as was in a show like Godspell, but it's pretty good. I came in yesterday morning and helped focus lights.
It was an experience and I'm glad I had it, but I'd rather not do that again. It was a little scary. It was in an attic, it was dark up there, there was conduit and pipes laid down on top of the attic floor. There were large holes cut out where pipes were hung and lights were hung from them. Some of the things going through my head while I was up there was making sure I was far enough from the hole so that I wouldn't fall into it. This building is about 90 years old, and the floor would creek when I walked on it, and I didn't want to trip over something and fall and go through a hole and die. Honestly, I was more scared there than I was in the 48 foot grid. There I knew that I was standing on steel gurders, here I was standing on attic and ceiling... a little scary. To make things more interesting was that I had to replace gels and do the focus for these lights and for the ones that are hanging from the attic floor, I had to lay prone on top of the pipe to reach down and focus the light. For the lights that are closest to the stage, I had to lean out and focus them. I was protected from falling by a wall that was about mid-thigh tall but you had to kneel down anyway because there were things that it wasn't cool to step on because we could unplug them. That wasn't scary, it was getting there that was scary. The two light positions that were furthest away from the stage had a gap in the middle that you could walk through, so it was easy to go past them... the one that was the second closest to the stage didn't have this gap so you had to step over the space where the lights were hanging. If it was something I did on a regular basis, I don't think I would have been so scared, let's just say that I'm glad that Tyler was there, I held onto his hand and stepped over... it was scary.
So I survived and never have to do it again.

Oh and an interesting development with my transportation to work. Today, since people were still on holiday the bus system was running on saturday schedule, which is normally when I get a ride because none of the busses come to my job. So, today, not knowing this, I went out to the bus stop. Well... my bus wasn't running today. That being said, I got taken to the transfer station and to walk seven blocks to the theatre.
There is an episcopal cathedral at the other end of the block from the theatre. I have never been happier to see a church in my entire life.

So on the 11th, the schedule for the bus system is changing. I'm not sure how it's changing so it will be interesting how it impacts my trip to work each day.
So, tomorrow I'm going in at 1 or so to help tie up loose ends now that summer camps are over. Jill and I didn't go in last week during the day, and the week before, Danny had been finding stuff for us to do. His thought was that since these kids were paying about $200 to be there that we should let them do most of the work and gain the experience.

We have two more nights of dress rehearsal, a preview with audience thursday night, and we open Friday night.
Night all, I'm tired.
Nancy

a change of pace

So here I am once again about a week between postings but oh well, I try.

So after my break for the weekend and spenging some time with my family, I came back monday and they were putting in tv. Woohoo. Although I still find that it doesn't hold as much appeal as I thought it would. Maybe that's a good thing.

I went into work today at 6:30. Took the 6'o'ckock bus. Boy did I get wet... Still not as bad as the time I had to walk all the way across campus and a car drove by and the water flew over Cole. We were soaked that day.

But I digress... So I got the the theatre today and had no idea what to expect. I got there and just sorta hung around till rehearsal started at 7. The Stage Manager gave me a script and I was going to give actors lines, but my magnifier died. So that didn't work out.

I felt useless so I asked the SM if there was something I could do to help. She said that my job was to learn the show because I'm going to be the light board op. Cool, never done that before.

Oh and I found out that they want to use Doc in the show! Of course i said yes! I'm going to try to get pictures.

Don't go back till rehearsal again thursday evening. Tired... it's been a weird and long day.
Later

Ain't it great when things come together?? :)

Ok, so first off. I'm tired, it's been a Long day and the post that I just posted, I had to re-type. Ok, so here we go about today.

So my day started off with a phone call from Ed.
So this is what I found out. Evidently the tv guys are being a pain and that particular one is no longer in stock. Ed was like, 'sure fine I'll pay an extra 70 dollars just get it here before the 30th or you won't get any money. So hopefully tv will be here sooner rather than later.
Ed and I talk about the "What now?" question everybody keeps asking me. Since my work schedule is changing due to tech starting and summer camp, my mornings are all free. Thus meaning more time to do some career exploration stuff. What that entails, I donno but we will see.
Lanny came and replaced my lightbulb and took my laptop. After Constence and I went through and swept up dog hair (ugh) we were able to go. Since I didn't have anything to do I hung out with Lanny. I got to see what the insides of a laptop similar to mine looks like (very cool). We discovered though that my poor laptop after having just had its hinges replaced is now toast. The inside of the place where the power supply plugs in, evidently broke. So by by laptop. I just-so-happened to be playing with one and it turned out to be the loaner they're going to give me. But here's the kicker with that, since I'm out of school and currently jobless- that needs a computer- they're not going to get me one. That's fair I guess... But my sister has one that something has happened to and we're going up to see my aunt who's a computer guru and hopefully she can make it work for me. If not, who knows.

So I went to work, we painted, and I got a show t-shirt. Winthrop didn't do shirts for shows (wish we had) but the theatre staff got me one. It's a nice shirt. I'm supposed to go talk to the summer teens tomorrow about the summer internship program, so I'm going to rock my new shirt.

When I got home today, first thing I noticed was that the computer was moved, second thing I noticed was a long black cable run from by the tv, over the doorframe, and down to the computer (they do make white coaxial cables, I promise) so... I have internet, yay. That's why there are two posts in one day.

Not working at Town tomorrow or Friday. I'm going home after the meeting at 3, YAY! It turns out though that their's not room for me on the van anyway, so I may get a ride back with Liz Alexander as well as a ride home. Looking forward to getting outta here for a while. I'm sure Doc is too.

Ok, that's it, I'm tired...
Good Night!!
Nancy
PS: tomorrow I'll be at home!!!!

Written yesterday... A Whole Lotta Feelin's Goin' on

June 22- about 9pm

So this weekend I finally decided that I couldn't stand it anymore. So I called Ed and was basically like, I don't have anything to do. (I've been here since the 1st and haven't had tv and I've been 'borrowing' a neighbor's wi-fi so that I could stay connected with the world.

Well, Saturday morning I woke up to find that the internet signal I had been using was now all gone and that was the way I was getting movies and having stuff to do. So now I have absolutely nothing to do, so I called Ed and let him know this.

Well I got cable in last friday, but for whatever reason, the internet wasn't included in the installation. So I have a nice new computer and can't use it.

So it seems that my phone call must have had some results because rather than the internet being installed sometime before the 30th, it's going to be installed sometime before the week is out.

So I've got cable but no tv. Evidently as of about two weeks ago, the tv was on back order. So hopefully I'll get tv soon too. I called Ed again tonight to talk about that and about the fact that my lightbulb in my room is burnt out (trust me, I tried to fix it, But I'm too short) so this is a bit frustrating especially since we went shopping last week or so and got lightbulbs but the bulb hasn't been fixed yet. I'm having a hard time waiting for people to do things when I'd much rather just do them myself, especially when I'm capable of doing it. Although I wouldn't be able to do anything about tv or internet.

Ok, ranting done, I promise. Just needed to get that off my chest.

Ok, so now... Summer Camp at Town is offically underway for the "backstage Pass" portion. This is the summer camp where kids get to help with building the set and focusing and hanging the lights, etc.

We've got about four or five kids here this week. Most are about 11 or 12 but we have a 16 year old. They're pretty cool, willing to do whatever we need them to do. I admit myself honored. Danny told the kids that if I ask them to do something, they should treat it as if he had asked them to do it, wow.

My hours this week are weird because camp doesn't start until 1:30. So yesterday I went in at 12:30 and found that I had nothing to do for almost an hour. So today I thought I would catch the 1 o'clock businstead... Well that wasn't the best idea. I think I heard that bus broke down, needless to say I hung out in the heat for 45 minutes.

So I think tomorrow I'm going to go in at 12:30 again maybe their's something I can do.

So as far as yesterday went, we and the campers worked on various things. I know they put casters on bes and screwed in a lot but I don't remember what else they did. Today was neat, when I arrived Danny was lecturing about lighting instruments, specifically Source 4's (no idea where the name came from). Another thing we did was take out the trap. Man is that So much easier here. Danny covers his stage floor with masonite to give it a smooth finish, so all we had to do was unscrew it and the trap lay below it. Their trap is essentially a platform of metal attached to an arm and essentially workes like a scale where the amount of sandbags on one end should make it easy to lift the person on the platform. Because I was the taller of us, Danny and I pushed up on the platform while the kids pulled down on the sandbags. It wasn't bad at all. I didn't do it though... woulda needed a few more sandbags. Although Danny said they lifted an almost 400 lb guy... took six guys to do it, but they did it.

So a piece of news. I was working on my time sheets and so far I've worked 104 of my 120 hr internship. I worked 34 hrs last week and 39 the week before. This week because of camp I'll have about 15 to 20.

All-in all things are going ok. I'm thinking about things. This internship is fun, but I can't help the feelings that are inside me. It's almost like I can hear and feel a voice saying'yes this is fun, but this is not right.' I don't know what it all means but I wasn't aware of having that thought before it randomly popped into my head one day. So, I'm not trying to read too much into it, but I feel compelled to at least pay it a bit of attention.

I've met a lot of interesting people waiting for and riding the bus. People lost their jobs, people going into programs to pull themselves from a homeless situation, people trying to better themselves, and people just doing what they can with what they have.

I feel honored to be with them and hear their stories. I am forever going to be grateful for this experience. Even when people are down on their luck and have nothing to hope for, lost their car and have to ride the bus, they find hope somewhere. Talk about a lesson.

Think I'll go now.
Nancy
PS: Keep faith that tomorrow is going to be another blessed day.

A few days to catch up on

Hi guys,
So I'm not sure what it is about my not being able to keep up with this every day, it's not like I'm extremely busy in the evenings...

As far as what I've done since I last posted, well I honestly can't remember what I did on Wednesday. But something I did yesterday was cool. I used the recipricating saw (jig saw). I've never done that before, that one always kinda made me nervous and I didn't like the idea of trying to follow a line while cutting at the same time. What we were doing was we were taking a sono tube (tall cylindrical tube made from cardboard) and we were cutting 3 feet off of it to make it shorter. To do this, we were using a circular saw and a recipricating saw. Jill used the circular saw to cut the line and I used the jig saw to cut the bracing inside the tube because the blade on the circular saw was unable to cut through the bracing all the way. It was cool, all I had to do was stick the recipricating saw into the space that had already been cut and guide it downward so that the bracing was cut completely.

Today was a relatively short day, or at least it seemed like it. When I got there today, I was given a 4x4 and Danny set the chop saw so that it wouldn't cut through the board completely. So what i had to do with this was starting about 6 inches into the board, I had to cut the board so that a big chunk was missing so that we could rest par of the board on top of something and the rest of it beside whatever it is that the board is being secured to. I don't know if that makes any sense but I have pictures.

We also screwed fence panels together and flew them. I got to work more with the hardware involved in rigging. It seems like here at Town we fly a lot of set pieces, just about everything that can be flown, is. So I've gotten good at attaching the pieces together for rigging, the shackes, the o-rings, the turnbuckles and the quick clips. I remembered something that Biff told my stage craft class about quick clips. "You always screw down, so you don't screw up." What that means is that when you have everything on the clip ready to be flown out, you screw the bolt downward. I'm not sure about this but I think that the reason you do it that way is because if you screwed it upward, over time it will get unscrewed, therefore a hazard presents itsemf, because the stuff on the clip could easily come off.

Oh and I remembered what we did on Wednesday, we finished painting the arches for the Daddy Warbucks mansion. We put the sono tubes on yesterday and Danny put the bases on this morning. It's almost finished. It's going to look great. The gold metallic paint looks really nice.

The picture at the top of this blog post is of the cut that I was doing this morning with the 4x4. I don't think it will let me put more than one picture otherwise I would post more.

Weekend ahead, got computer and cable, but the work order for the internet didn't go through and the tv's still not here yet, so it'll be another weekend of Netflix. Which is pretty cool.

It's Been A while

Picture is a representation of a counterweighted fly system which is what Winthrop as well as Town have.

Hi All,
This is going to be a bit long...
So as far as thursday and Friday go, I did a lot of painting, then building, then flying things, then some more painting and then some more building. It's never-ending, lol.

So as for yesterday (Monday). Danny thought summer camp was starting this week so he had me come in around noon yesterday only to find out that it doesn't start till next week. So Yesterday was a short day. In 3hrs Danny and I built a 16x24 foot wall... I could be wrong about my dimensions all I know is that this thing is Huge. It actually worked quite well. We would add weight to the fly system to accomidat for the weight of the flats (wall pieces that go together to form a single wall) then we would screw them together as they were hanging. Then we would put gaff tape (tape that has thread woven into it so that it will stick to just about anything but doesn't leave a residue like duct tape). I don't recall taping seams between flats then painting over them at Winthrop but I didn't really do much in terms of painting on sets more than just doing a base coat.
So once we got the seams taped and I painted over the tape we would go add more weight and fly it out (or up) so that we could add more flat pieces. Not bad for two people and 3hrs I thought. Also I got to get in the gini lift. It was soo cool. The one here is completely operated by the person in the lift. In the one at Winthrop you could get yourself up, but you couldn't get yourself down or move yourself around. In this one you can. It's something I'd have to do more of to not be nervous in it, it had a tendency to jerk. Oh and I also met Paula, she works at the Shakespeare Theatre Company. She brought something for Danny for props and they were talking about outdoor theater and evidently I'm going to be doing some stuff with them this summer too. It sounds neat, we're talking about working in the mornings though like 7am to noon because it gets too hot and it's outdoor theatre. All kinda cool stuff going on. So that was yesterday.

Today I arrived at 9:30-ish and we immediately go up to the platform and my job is to act as weight while standing on a brace (or jack as Danny called it). I thought this part took Forever but what was going on was that for whatever reason, our platform is about an inch different in height from one side to the other. So my weight was doing two things at the same time. One it was helping the flat to fall down and lean backward. The reason for this is that the wall is 16 feet tall (almost 3x my height) so this thing could easily tip forward, kinda scary. So we got one side removed from the pipe then I get off that jack and go to the other one. Well a few minutes into the process there is a yell from Danny then a clang to my left (I was facing up stage) then there is another loud clang kind of over-head then to my left.

So after we finished getting the wall secured we went over and investigated what had happened. If we've got something heavy hanging in a spot for a little while what we'll do is put a pipe in between the two ropes of the fly system then twist the pipe around and push it between the metal bars that make up the fly rail. Well what happened today was that we had the wall secured to the pipe by having a large reinforced piece of lumber attached to the pipe by bolts and chain then we screwed the wall to the piece of lumber. I'm not sure why but Danny was using a sawzaw to remove the wall from the piece of lumber. I'm not really sure what he was doing, I was on the floor holding the wall from falling forward. So when the wall was detached enough from the pipe the pipe shot up to the grid because the weight on the arbor (the thing holding the weight) was not being balanced by the weight of the wall, the pipe that was wrapped up in the rope came loose then the pipe shot up and the weights came crashing down. Needless to say, we made a lot of noise and I'd be lieing if I said I wasn't scared.

The fly system is something I have a pretty decent understanding of but the idea of flying heavy things above my head still makes me wary. The other part was, I couldn't go anywhere. If I were to go upstage it would be a 6 or 7ft drop to the floor and if I were to go downstage the wall would fall on me so the best place for me to be was right where I was. I bet it was a bit more scary for Danny up where he was. So what did I learn from this experience?
If you're going to do something like this, you should remove the extra weight before it completely detaches.

Other than that excitement this morning before lunch, we moved and electric downstage two pipes and then hung doors on the back wall and then hung doors and installed molding on the wall for the hallway/Miss Hanigan's office. It's coming right along.

Not sure what we're going to be up to tomorrow but I hope it's not a exciting

It's been a week

Hi everybody,
So lets see today was not nearly as exhausting as yesterday. I did a lot of painting today. I didn't really feel like I did very much but I have to admit, after yesterday, I was ok with that.
I was thinking about something today. This is my first experience in actually working in theater all day. From 10am sometimes 9:30, I'm busy doing something until 5 or like today 6. I decided that I'm glad that this experience is working out this way. The reason I say this is because when I was in school I worked in the shop 2hrs twice a week and 4hrs during a single day. Here I'm working about 6 straight hours every day. That is a big difference. I'm glad the difference is so big because this is going to help me decide if this is the sorta thing I want to do for a while or go in a different direction, I don't know, but I'm glad to have this experience.
I send my wishes for safe travel to my fellow intern Jill as she and her dad travel to NYC to see Phantom and two other shows that I can't recall the names of. It's going to be weird with her not being around.
I have to say I'm glad that I'm working with Jamie and Danny. They're picky or anal as they refer to themselves. I appreciate that. I want to know how they want things done, this helps me to figure out what my limitations are.
I already know that scene painting can be difficult for me. I need someone to check over my work and they'll gladly do it.
As for all that things are good I think I may be coming down with a cold. Not sure if it's the rapid changes in temp from outside to ac inside or if its being around all that saw dust every day. Who knows.
Think that's about it for today. We'll see what I get up to tomorrow.
Chat with you all later!

Phew... What a Day

So I realized this morning that I forgot to talk about what I did yesterday. I hate to say this but I only remember a few things.
I was painting some windows for our set when I first arrived, then I assisted in the legging up and attaching the smaller 4ft tall platform to the already-existing 6ft tall platform that's about 24ft wide. We also had to build a step down from the 6ft tall platform to the 4ft tall platform. I honestly don't remember what else it was that I did yesterday. Ah but one big thing, the renovation to the fly system is complete.

As for today...
It was a weird day. Yesterday Danny told Jill and I to wear jeans because we were going to be up on the grid and it's dirty up there. So I wore shorts to the theater, it's Columbia, wasn't about to wear jeans and have to stand in the sun. Oh and the bus came much more on time today. I think I only waited about 10 minutes this time. Yesterday it was 15.
So I get there this morning and first thing Danny and I do is climb the 48 feet to the grid. This means climbing a ladder that's attached to the wall up 20 or so feet then almost another 30 feet to the grid. Needless to say, I miss Winthrop's option of taking the stairs.
Then after I got to help load weight onto the fly system, Jill arrived and she and Danny went up to the grid to do the same thing. The reason for loading the weight onto the system was because we were moving the lights from one pipe to the pipe directly down stage of it. (That means closer to the audience).
So while Jill and Danny were up there I was continuing to transfer lights. It's not hard, just untighten a bolt, unclip the safety and put it on the pipe directly in front of it. After we transfered the lights we plugged them into circuits. These have numbers on them. This is important when setting up the way the lights will look for a particular scene. You turn certain circuit numbers on and off to get different lights to turn off and on, it's not as hard as it sounds.
After we did that, a truck arrived delivering 4,500 pounds of stage weights. Not sure how heavy they are, but needless to say, they are heavy. Oh and all of this moving was done by hand. We took a lunch break then we proceeded to move the weights on stage. Well in the process the wagon (platform with wheels underneath it) broke. So the Pallett with 3,000 pounds had to be taken apart and every single weight moved the the still working wagon we had.
I'm not really sure how long it took us to do that but we had to take a break after we got the 1,500 pounds unloaded, then we had to transfer the 3,000 pounds to the other wagon, then take them off the platform and put the where the stage weights go. Thank God the pin rail for the fly system is on the floor. I don't even want to fathom us having to put them somewhere else other than the floor.
It was actually kind of funny, when myself and someone else tried to make the wagon with the weights on it move, I would push myself backward. Once we'd get it rolling it was ok, but that was the hard part.
After a 20 minute or so break to catch our breaths Jill, Danny and I put some collumns together to be used for a set piece then we put the hardware on them so that we could attach them to the fly system. The only problem was we had to go up to the area between the grid and the floor to load more weights, so up the ladder again. Then we came back down and it still wouldn't move, then we had to back up again. The third time we tried to do it, we realized that I had one rope and was pulling one way and Danny had the other side and was pulling opposite, so no wonder we weren't going anywhere, oops.

So today was a longer than usual day, normally I'm done at 5, today it must have been closer to 5:45 because I got back to my place about 6. Needless to say, I'm sore and tired.
That's it for now.
Oh and the picture is of the pallet with the 3,000 pounds on it.