I was just loading the dishwasher a little while ago and I found myself reflecting on the last 9 months. The internship offically ends on the 31st, next Thursday
I personally, I haven't asked either of the guys about their experiences, but I have found that being in a place where I have a lot of free space to think; even in the midst of a chore like dishes, or even in the midst of a service like Compline where I learned it by rote months ago, I can partially go someplace else and ponder things, or in the case of Compline- draw pictures with my minds eye using the checkerboard tiles that are on the floor. It's weird how I can be present and it's happening around me but at the same time I'm not all there. From what I hear I'm not the only one.
I was reflecting earlier on how in being a place where your thoughts are so much on the surface and so are your emotions I've found that when I'm joyous, I'm quite litterally skipping down the hall- on the monastery side anyway, don't want to disturb any guests and the Brothers are on the 2nd floor so...
Anyway, but conversely, when I'm having a bad day, it's bad, but interestingly not for an entire day, well at least I'm not consumed by it for an entire day. More often than not someone will notice my disposition and I can let someone know how how I'm feeling, which me ing a verbal processor is sometimes all I really need to do- to clear the air. Other times the circumstances of this life, the prospect of what new yummy thing is for lunch, or we're making cookies in the kitchen, or Doc just did something very funny will help me to realize that life is not about just this one thing I'm dealing with right now, that life is a series of moving back and forth on a continum of joy and sorrow.
I have found that being in this place has been a very freeing position to be in. Sometimes "my inner eight-year-old" comes out at the prospect of something as simple as a new kind of cookie or we're going into a new liturgical season, or it's sunny outside.I have found that the joy in the simple things is necessary because on the other side of my brain I'm trying to sift through what I'm thinking, how I felt about that situation, why do I think I reacted that way in that situation, what are the repercussions going to be from that reaction- although I have to admit, I'm learning to worry less about that sort of thing, rather I'm learning to say 'ok, I reacted that way, how can I learn from that situation'?
So rather than beating myself up over it, I'm trying to learn from it.
I know I've said this before; not sure if I've said it here or not, perhaps just in conversation, but I really do feel as though I am honestly able to be myself. I don't have to pretend everything's all right behind my passive agressive tendencies and stew on how I was slighted. I have a place where I can say, 'what that person did pissed me off' and get it off my chest and go on with my day. I'm not always able to do this but that brings me back to a saying from one of the Desert Fathers that one of the Brothers likes to quote occasionally.
A man goes up to a monk standing outside his monastery and asks "What do you do all day?:
The monk replied, "We fall down and we get up."
Frankly I don't remember my original thought in prompting me to write this. I'm sure part of it was I haven't written in a while, and I'm in a bit of a weird mood. My three budies are leaving. I was kinda sad when one of the interns left a few weeks ago, but I almost feel a stronger connection with Rob, Ruben, and Tedi. Part of it I think, is that since Tyler left back in either late September or early October, it's just been the three of us and I have I think five different friendships with these three people, each with them individually, one with just the 980 interns and me, and one with all of us together. It's going to be very strange a week from now when I'm the only intern still here.
I'm excited, all the interns are going to a baseball game with one of the Brothers on Monday, to see the Pawtucket Red Sox- the minor league team, apparently they're better then the major league team.
Tuesday is going to be a crazy day, we've got our 'graduation' dinner. I doubt that's what it's called but I can't remember the word they used. The interns are making Sunday lunch, that should be fun. Sunday is also Pentacost. Other than doing some different things for Evensong, probably 1st and 2nd, I'm not sure it's just going to be a typical Sunday morning. Although I don't know what I'm doing yet, the rota's not posted yet.
Ok, now I'm rambling, Compline in a bit.
Bye guys
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Friday, May 25, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
What my thoughts are
Hey guys,
So some of you are Facebook friends with me and I'm sure you've seen bits from me about Passports, etc. and are probably thinking to yourself, "huh?"
So, here's my answer - at least for right now at the moment anyway.
For a while now I've been pondering - seriously - how best to live out my call to the priesthood - by this 'call' I mean the one that we all have by virtue of our baptism.
In exploring that, I'm taking a look at women's religious orders because I'm very happy here at SSJE. To be fair, I'm not sure if it's Just because of the wonderful Brothers that are truly Brothers to me now, but I think that I've also come to love this life. To be fair, I'm not sure if it's just SSJE's particular incarnation of such, or life in general, so I'm going to check it out and see.
There's a community - SSJD in Canada - that the Brothers have a close relationship withand are suggesting I take a look at. I've contacted them, one of the Brothers is writing me a letter of recommendation so that they have some idea of what it's like living with Doc and I.
SSJD has a summer discernment program, month long, not sure when in June it starts, but goes until sometime in July. I'm not sure of dates because that page is down on their website right now but is being added to, so I'll have more concrete information later on.
So anyway, in the meantime, I contacted SSJD's Superior and told her my story and talked about what my needs are, visually, liturgically, etc. and that I'll be bringing Doc with me.
At this point the message I've gotten is they're waiting on the email from the SSJE Brother and they'll get back to me.
Some of you are probably saying to yourselves, "But didn't she Just do nine months of discernment in a religious community?"
Yes, I did, but this type of discernment is more specific, it has more of a particular 'goal' in mind. I say that word loosely because their are a lot of factors to keep in mind when discerning a call to anything, but with a religious community, as with the church, there is more than just my feelings to take into account. And with religious communities anyway, the only way to 'check this out' is to do just that, go have a look.
So I'm in the process of geting my Passport, SSJE's going to help me get to SSJD, so I don't have to worry about that, phew... Now I tentatively plan, wait, pray and keep an open mind.
I'm going to be having a conversation tomorrow that is going to, I'm assuming, present different directions to consider, and I promise that I will not say no off-hand. I'm going to keep my mouth shut, and listen to what they have to say.
I don't know where I'm headed, but this feels right.
I know a lot of people don't understand how religious life could be appealing, and they think that I should 'want more'. Frankly, I'm not sure what I want right now, I know that I have been very happy with my life here at SSJE and despite I'm not a morning person and 6am is Early, I'm going to miss being in church so much and praying with a community. I like the structure too, it just works for me, I can't explain it and I know that's not helpful, especially when people I care about and that care about me are trying desperately to understand, and care deeply for my happiness and well-being. I know there is also a fear from some that I would be 'wasting my life'.
I don't feel that way.
I don't know when I became such a metaphorical person, but I almost feel like all of these things I'm trying and thinking about are like using finer and finer grades of sand paper, to get the thing you are sanding to come out as it is intended to be. I feel like I'm still being shaped or 'formed' and all of these things are doing things, giving me ideas, things to think aboutso that I can become who I'm meant to be.
Being in my head is exhausting sometimes, there are so many voices from so many people, all out of care and concern, and there are my feelings and experiences, and there are different ideas and suggestions to consider.
When it comes right down to it, you do what Ignatius suggests, list the pros and cons.
I'm not there yet, at least I don't think so.
I honestly don't feel ready for the priesthood yet, and to be honest, a lot of the running-of-a-parish stuff that I see weary clergy talking about and dealing with makes it seem a bit more unappealing, but to be fair, I don't know a lot about that yet.
At this point, I think going to Canada is going to be helpful to making a decision, but after my conversation tomorrow, we shall see. I'm not going to make any hastey decisions.
So, yeah... I'm not sure how much sense this made, but there ya go! that's me!
Nancy
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
So some of you are Facebook friends with me and I'm sure you've seen bits from me about Passports, etc. and are probably thinking to yourself, "huh?"
So, here's my answer - at least for right now at the moment anyway.
For a while now I've been pondering - seriously - how best to live out my call to the priesthood - by this 'call' I mean the one that we all have by virtue of our baptism.
In exploring that, I'm taking a look at women's religious orders because I'm very happy here at SSJE. To be fair, I'm not sure if it's Just because of the wonderful Brothers that are truly Brothers to me now, but I think that I've also come to love this life. To be fair, I'm not sure if it's just SSJE's particular incarnation of such, or life in general, so I'm going to check it out and see.
There's a community - SSJD in Canada - that the Brothers have a close relationship withand are suggesting I take a look at. I've contacted them, one of the Brothers is writing me a letter of recommendation so that they have some idea of what it's like living with Doc and I.
SSJD has a summer discernment program, month long, not sure when in June it starts, but goes until sometime in July. I'm not sure of dates because that page is down on their website right now but is being added to, so I'll have more concrete information later on.
So anyway, in the meantime, I contacted SSJD's Superior and told her my story and talked about what my needs are, visually, liturgically, etc. and that I'll be bringing Doc with me.
At this point the message I've gotten is they're waiting on the email from the SSJE Brother and they'll get back to me.
Some of you are probably saying to yourselves, "But didn't she Just do nine months of discernment in a religious community?"
Yes, I did, but this type of discernment is more specific, it has more of a particular 'goal' in mind. I say that word loosely because their are a lot of factors to keep in mind when discerning a call to anything, but with a religious community, as with the church, there is more than just my feelings to take into account. And with religious communities anyway, the only way to 'check this out' is to do just that, go have a look.
So I'm in the process of geting my Passport, SSJE's going to help me get to SSJD, so I don't have to worry about that, phew... Now I tentatively plan, wait, pray and keep an open mind.
I'm going to be having a conversation tomorrow that is going to, I'm assuming, present different directions to consider, and I promise that I will not say no off-hand. I'm going to keep my mouth shut, and listen to what they have to say.
I don't know where I'm headed, but this feels right.
I know a lot of people don't understand how religious life could be appealing, and they think that I should 'want more'. Frankly, I'm not sure what I want right now, I know that I have been very happy with my life here at SSJE and despite I'm not a morning person and 6am is Early, I'm going to miss being in church so much and praying with a community. I like the structure too, it just works for me, I can't explain it and I know that's not helpful, especially when people I care about and that care about me are trying desperately to understand, and care deeply for my happiness and well-being. I know there is also a fear from some that I would be 'wasting my life'.
I don't feel that way.
I don't know when I became such a metaphorical person, but I almost feel like all of these things I'm trying and thinking about are like using finer and finer grades of sand paper, to get the thing you are sanding to come out as it is intended to be. I feel like I'm still being shaped or 'formed' and all of these things are doing things, giving me ideas, things to think aboutso that I can become who I'm meant to be.
Being in my head is exhausting sometimes, there are so many voices from so many people, all out of care and concern, and there are my feelings and experiences, and there are different ideas and suggestions to consider.
When it comes right down to it, you do what Ignatius suggests, list the pros and cons.
I'm not there yet, at least I don't think so.
I honestly don't feel ready for the priesthood yet, and to be honest, a lot of the running-of-a-parish stuff that I see weary clergy talking about and dealing with makes it seem a bit more unappealing, but to be fair, I don't know a lot about that yet.
At this point, I think going to Canada is going to be helpful to making a decision, but after my conversation tomorrow, we shall see. I'm not going to make any hastey decisions.
So, yeah... I'm not sure how much sense this made, but there ya go! that's me!
Nancy
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
I'm not sure I want to
That title sums up how I feel right now. It's May 1st. It makes me sad.
If I've learned anything over the last few months it's this, I have to acknowledge how I feel, even if it makes me uncomfortable, even if I don't want to.
I'm going to try, with God's help, the support of the Brothers and other interns, and presumably your prayers, to cherish this next month as best I can.
It doesn't help that I'm in a weird spot right now, but so be it. Things are getting complicated. Although, frankly this happens to me every time I think I've decided on a step forward, I get other thoughts or opinions, and they give me different things to consider thus my previously decided upon- or at least supposed decided upon decision is questioned then it brings me to a dizzying spot where I feel a bit confused.
Oh well, that's pretty much where I'm at for now. I was chatting with someone the other day and said that it almost feels like I'm 'supposed' to do this
'bobbing' as I've come to call it. It's not directionless, I don't think anyway... Perhaps it's one of those 'big picture things and I've only got a piece of the puzzle to look at and wonder 'how does this fit'?
I'm doing my best to trust that this bobbing is for an important reason, perhaps if it's not, I will at least have learned something about myself.
It's very apt that we're reading this particular chapter in our book "The Jesuit Guide to almost Everything" the chapter is Ch 11, Surrendering to the future, it's on obedience. It's weird because that particular vow of the monastic world isn't something that I've had too much difficulty with- though I'm not a monastic, I still live in a system that has an ultimate 'go-to-person' and I take comfort in that, there is someone that takes my thoughts into account and listens to me, but also decides what is best. That's what the Superior does anyway, I have a feeling that God does the same thing, it's just that we need to trust that, and That's the hard part.
So, I'm going to do my best to stay in the moment, to acknowledge how I feel, do my best to 'not harden my heart', 'incline the ear of my heart' and trust that even though I may not see the 'big picture' right now, this struggling isn't for nothing.
I realized this morning that my metaphor is changed, it's not about Jacob wrestling with God anymore, rather it's changed to holding onto God's hand and taking tentative steps on the surface of the sea that I've been bobbing in for a while, I'm going to do my best, and when it comes down to it, I really think that's what God asks, that when we fall, or even if we Think we're going to fall we call out for God to catch us.
The tricky part, is sometimes I don't want to, and personally, I kinda feel that way a bit right now.
I don't feel relieved after having written this but that's ok, I will, at some point.
Blessings to you all,
Nancy
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
If I've learned anything over the last few months it's this, I have to acknowledge how I feel, even if it makes me uncomfortable, even if I don't want to.
I'm going to try, with God's help, the support of the Brothers and other interns, and presumably your prayers, to cherish this next month as best I can.
It doesn't help that I'm in a weird spot right now, but so be it. Things are getting complicated. Although, frankly this happens to me every time I think I've decided on a step forward, I get other thoughts or opinions, and they give me different things to consider thus my previously decided upon- or at least supposed decided upon decision is questioned then it brings me to a dizzying spot where I feel a bit confused.
Oh well, that's pretty much where I'm at for now. I was chatting with someone the other day and said that it almost feels like I'm 'supposed' to do this
'bobbing' as I've come to call it. It's not directionless, I don't think anyway... Perhaps it's one of those 'big picture things and I've only got a piece of the puzzle to look at and wonder 'how does this fit'?
I'm doing my best to trust that this bobbing is for an important reason, perhaps if it's not, I will at least have learned something about myself.
It's very apt that we're reading this particular chapter in our book "The Jesuit Guide to almost Everything" the chapter is Ch 11, Surrendering to the future, it's on obedience. It's weird because that particular vow of the monastic world isn't something that I've had too much difficulty with- though I'm not a monastic, I still live in a system that has an ultimate 'go-to-person' and I take comfort in that, there is someone that takes my thoughts into account and listens to me, but also decides what is best. That's what the Superior does anyway, I have a feeling that God does the same thing, it's just that we need to trust that, and That's the hard part.
So, I'm going to do my best to stay in the moment, to acknowledge how I feel, do my best to 'not harden my heart', 'incline the ear of my heart' and trust that even though I may not see the 'big picture' right now, this struggling isn't for nothing.
I realized this morning that my metaphor is changed, it's not about Jacob wrestling with God anymore, rather it's changed to holding onto God's hand and taking tentative steps on the surface of the sea that I've been bobbing in for a while, I'm going to do my best, and when it comes down to it, I really think that's what God asks, that when we fall, or even if we Think we're going to fall we call out for God to catch us.
The tricky part, is sometimes I don't want to, and personally, I kinda feel that way a bit right now.
I don't feel relieved after having written this but that's ok, I will, at some point.
Blessings to you all,
Nancy
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
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