Well, as of today I am no longer an Intern with the Society of St. John the Evangelist.
This past few days has been a strange experience.
Our last Sabbath was spent largely together. I was really tired Sunday evening so I did largely my own thing and slept alot.
Monday the four of us plus the Brother who has taught our class all year went to a baseball game. It was in a place called Pawtucket Rhode Island. The team was called the Pawtucket Red Sox, or the Paw Sox for short. The game was lots of fun. It was about 3hrs, with having to drive about an hour each way. That sounds like a lot of time but it flew by.
The Brother sat next to me and since he's such a big baseball fan, he'd give me the play-by-play. It helps that I understand so much about baseball from having played so many baseball video games as a kid, lol. I brought my monocular too.
We had our picture taken but I haven't seen evidence of it yet, I'll have to check Facebook and if its there, share it with you guys.
So Tuesday was a weird day. It was the day of the dinner celebrating our time with the Brothers and sending us off.
We had a lot of free time day. Frankly I don't remember what I did that day, I'm pretty sure I spent time with the other interns. Later that evening at the 5:30 Eucharist, Br. Mark, the Internship Director delivered a sermon directed specifically at us. He gave us things to 'remind everyone else of'. These were things like putting things aside, remembering that no one is every going to completely get a hang of 'this Christianity thing', and some other things. I'm not too concerned with remembering it all because I'm going to paste the link here.
And here it is: http://ssje.org/sermons/?p=3511
(you'll most likely have to copy and paste that into the box at the top of the internet page, also called the address bar)
Afterwards we went and had an amazing dinner, which the chef, Walter stayed to prepare for our dinner. Earlier in the day we had a Golden Bourscht- amazing.
But anyway, we had pork, mashed potatoes, turnips-carrots-and parsnips, a salad, and chocolate cake with festive drinks. It was also Tedi's birthday which was cool.
After we'd had our fill, Br. Geoffrey, the Superior delivered a toast to us individually. They were all pretty funny. Mine mainly was a thanking me for my service. Apparently I tend to ask how I can be helpful and that was very appreciated by the Brothers. It was a very bitter-sweet evening.
Wednesday was weird too. We had a lot more free time on our hands then we were used to so I found myself just chillin' with the guys upstairs. It was nice just to do that.
Rob left yesterday right after Eucharist. I was in the Scholla with two of the Brothers, which went amazingly well, I had no trouble reading anything.
The strange part yesterday happened when a guest sat in Rob's spot during Noonday Prayer. My first thought was, 'hey you can't sit there.' Evidently I'm not the only one who had that same reaction, with one of the Brothers remarking later 'his spot wasn't even cold yet.' It's amazing what we get used to.
I didn't do anything yesterday afternoon, my plan is to finish all of the books I've started this year. I've got 6 Chapters left in the Sparrow, pretty much the entire book of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, and I downloaded an audio book of Christianity the first three thousand years, about a week ago and am in the middle of chapter one. That plan should give me plenty to do.
My work schedule is largely what I've been doing, we're going to take it day-by-day with the Guest Brother going behind me checking up on things.
Well that's the bell for Eucharist.
I'm grateful for this experience.
Until later friends
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Friday, June 1, 2012
Friday, May 25, 2012
A depth I didn't know existed
I was just loading the dishwasher a little while ago and I found myself reflecting on the last 9 months. The internship offically ends on the 31st, next Thursday
I personally, I haven't asked either of the guys about their experiences, but I have found that being in a place where I have a lot of free space to think; even in the midst of a chore like dishes, or even in the midst of a service like Compline where I learned it by rote months ago, I can partially go someplace else and ponder things, or in the case of Compline- draw pictures with my minds eye using the checkerboard tiles that are on the floor. It's weird how I can be present and it's happening around me but at the same time I'm not all there. From what I hear I'm not the only one.
I was reflecting earlier on how in being a place where your thoughts are so much on the surface and so are your emotions I've found that when I'm joyous, I'm quite litterally skipping down the hall- on the monastery side anyway, don't want to disturb any guests and the Brothers are on the 2nd floor so...
Anyway, but conversely, when I'm having a bad day, it's bad, but interestingly not for an entire day, well at least I'm not consumed by it for an entire day. More often than not someone will notice my disposition and I can let someone know how how I'm feeling, which me ing a verbal processor is sometimes all I really need to do- to clear the air. Other times the circumstances of this life, the prospect of what new yummy thing is for lunch, or we're making cookies in the kitchen, or Doc just did something very funny will help me to realize that life is not about just this one thing I'm dealing with right now, that life is a series of moving back and forth on a continum of joy and sorrow.
I have found that being in this place has been a very freeing position to be in. Sometimes "my inner eight-year-old" comes out at the prospect of something as simple as a new kind of cookie or we're going into a new liturgical season, or it's sunny outside.I have found that the joy in the simple things is necessary because on the other side of my brain I'm trying to sift through what I'm thinking, how I felt about that situation, why do I think I reacted that way in that situation, what are the repercussions going to be from that reaction- although I have to admit, I'm learning to worry less about that sort of thing, rather I'm learning to say 'ok, I reacted that way, how can I learn from that situation'?
So rather than beating myself up over it, I'm trying to learn from it.
I know I've said this before; not sure if I've said it here or not, perhaps just in conversation, but I really do feel as though I am honestly able to be myself. I don't have to pretend everything's all right behind my passive agressive tendencies and stew on how I was slighted. I have a place where I can say, 'what that person did pissed me off' and get it off my chest and go on with my day. I'm not always able to do this but that brings me back to a saying from one of the Desert Fathers that one of the Brothers likes to quote occasionally.
A man goes up to a monk standing outside his monastery and asks "What do you do all day?:
The monk replied, "We fall down and we get up."
Frankly I don't remember my original thought in prompting me to write this. I'm sure part of it was I haven't written in a while, and I'm in a bit of a weird mood. My three budies are leaving. I was kinda sad when one of the interns left a few weeks ago, but I almost feel a stronger connection with Rob, Ruben, and Tedi. Part of it I think, is that since Tyler left back in either late September or early October, it's just been the three of us and I have I think five different friendships with these three people, each with them individually, one with just the 980 interns and me, and one with all of us together. It's going to be very strange a week from now when I'm the only intern still here.
I'm excited, all the interns are going to a baseball game with one of the Brothers on Monday, to see the Pawtucket Red Sox- the minor league team, apparently they're better then the major league team.
Tuesday is going to be a crazy day, we've got our 'graduation' dinner. I doubt that's what it's called but I can't remember the word they used. The interns are making Sunday lunch, that should be fun. Sunday is also Pentacost. Other than doing some different things for Evensong, probably 1st and 2nd, I'm not sure it's just going to be a typical Sunday morning. Although I don't know what I'm doing yet, the rota's not posted yet.
Ok, now I'm rambling, Compline in a bit.
Bye guys
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
I personally, I haven't asked either of the guys about their experiences, but I have found that being in a place where I have a lot of free space to think; even in the midst of a chore like dishes, or even in the midst of a service like Compline where I learned it by rote months ago, I can partially go someplace else and ponder things, or in the case of Compline- draw pictures with my minds eye using the checkerboard tiles that are on the floor. It's weird how I can be present and it's happening around me but at the same time I'm not all there. From what I hear I'm not the only one.
I was reflecting earlier on how in being a place where your thoughts are so much on the surface and so are your emotions I've found that when I'm joyous, I'm quite litterally skipping down the hall- on the monastery side anyway, don't want to disturb any guests and the Brothers are on the 2nd floor so...
Anyway, but conversely, when I'm having a bad day, it's bad, but interestingly not for an entire day, well at least I'm not consumed by it for an entire day. More often than not someone will notice my disposition and I can let someone know how how I'm feeling, which me ing a verbal processor is sometimes all I really need to do- to clear the air. Other times the circumstances of this life, the prospect of what new yummy thing is for lunch, or we're making cookies in the kitchen, or Doc just did something very funny will help me to realize that life is not about just this one thing I'm dealing with right now, that life is a series of moving back and forth on a continum of joy and sorrow.
I have found that being in this place has been a very freeing position to be in. Sometimes "my inner eight-year-old" comes out at the prospect of something as simple as a new kind of cookie or we're going into a new liturgical season, or it's sunny outside.I have found that the joy in the simple things is necessary because on the other side of my brain I'm trying to sift through what I'm thinking, how I felt about that situation, why do I think I reacted that way in that situation, what are the repercussions going to be from that reaction- although I have to admit, I'm learning to worry less about that sort of thing, rather I'm learning to say 'ok, I reacted that way, how can I learn from that situation'?
So rather than beating myself up over it, I'm trying to learn from it.
I know I've said this before; not sure if I've said it here or not, perhaps just in conversation, but I really do feel as though I am honestly able to be myself. I don't have to pretend everything's all right behind my passive agressive tendencies and stew on how I was slighted. I have a place where I can say, 'what that person did pissed me off' and get it off my chest and go on with my day. I'm not always able to do this but that brings me back to a saying from one of the Desert Fathers that one of the Brothers likes to quote occasionally.
A man goes up to a monk standing outside his monastery and asks "What do you do all day?:
The monk replied, "We fall down and we get up."
Frankly I don't remember my original thought in prompting me to write this. I'm sure part of it was I haven't written in a while, and I'm in a bit of a weird mood. My three budies are leaving. I was kinda sad when one of the interns left a few weeks ago, but I almost feel a stronger connection with Rob, Ruben, and Tedi. Part of it I think, is that since Tyler left back in either late September or early October, it's just been the three of us and I have I think five different friendships with these three people, each with them individually, one with just the 980 interns and me, and one with all of us together. It's going to be very strange a week from now when I'm the only intern still here.
I'm excited, all the interns are going to a baseball game with one of the Brothers on Monday, to see the Pawtucket Red Sox- the minor league team, apparently they're better then the major league team.
Tuesday is going to be a crazy day, we've got our 'graduation' dinner. I doubt that's what it's called but I can't remember the word they used. The interns are making Sunday lunch, that should be fun. Sunday is also Pentacost. Other than doing some different things for Evensong, probably 1st and 2nd, I'm not sure it's just going to be a typical Sunday morning. Although I don't know what I'm doing yet, the rota's not posted yet.
Ok, now I'm rambling, Compline in a bit.
Bye guys
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Sunday, May 6, 2012
What my thoughts are
Hey guys,
So some of you are Facebook friends with me and I'm sure you've seen bits from me about Passports, etc. and are probably thinking to yourself, "huh?"
So, here's my answer - at least for right now at the moment anyway.
For a while now I've been pondering - seriously - how best to live out my call to the priesthood - by this 'call' I mean the one that we all have by virtue of our baptism.
In exploring that, I'm taking a look at women's religious orders because I'm very happy here at SSJE. To be fair, I'm not sure if it's Just because of the wonderful Brothers that are truly Brothers to me now, but I think that I've also come to love this life. To be fair, I'm not sure if it's just SSJE's particular incarnation of such, or life in general, so I'm going to check it out and see.
There's a community - SSJD in Canada - that the Brothers have a close relationship withand are suggesting I take a look at. I've contacted them, one of the Brothers is writing me a letter of recommendation so that they have some idea of what it's like living with Doc and I.
SSJD has a summer discernment program, month long, not sure when in June it starts, but goes until sometime in July. I'm not sure of dates because that page is down on their website right now but is being added to, so I'll have more concrete information later on.
So anyway, in the meantime, I contacted SSJD's Superior and told her my story and talked about what my needs are, visually, liturgically, etc. and that I'll be bringing Doc with me.
At this point the message I've gotten is they're waiting on the email from the SSJE Brother and they'll get back to me.
Some of you are probably saying to yourselves, "But didn't she Just do nine months of discernment in a religious community?"
Yes, I did, but this type of discernment is more specific, it has more of a particular 'goal' in mind. I say that word loosely because their are a lot of factors to keep in mind when discerning a call to anything, but with a religious community, as with the church, there is more than just my feelings to take into account. And with religious communities anyway, the only way to 'check this out' is to do just that, go have a look.
So I'm in the process of geting my Passport, SSJE's going to help me get to SSJD, so I don't have to worry about that, phew... Now I tentatively plan, wait, pray and keep an open mind.
I'm going to be having a conversation tomorrow that is going to, I'm assuming, present different directions to consider, and I promise that I will not say no off-hand. I'm going to keep my mouth shut, and listen to what they have to say.
I don't know where I'm headed, but this feels right.
I know a lot of people don't understand how religious life could be appealing, and they think that I should 'want more'. Frankly, I'm not sure what I want right now, I know that I have been very happy with my life here at SSJE and despite I'm not a morning person and 6am is Early, I'm going to miss being in church so much and praying with a community. I like the structure too, it just works for me, I can't explain it and I know that's not helpful, especially when people I care about and that care about me are trying desperately to understand, and care deeply for my happiness and well-being. I know there is also a fear from some that I would be 'wasting my life'.
I don't feel that way.
I don't know when I became such a metaphorical person, but I almost feel like all of these things I'm trying and thinking about are like using finer and finer grades of sand paper, to get the thing you are sanding to come out as it is intended to be. I feel like I'm still being shaped or 'formed' and all of these things are doing things, giving me ideas, things to think aboutso that I can become who I'm meant to be.
Being in my head is exhausting sometimes, there are so many voices from so many people, all out of care and concern, and there are my feelings and experiences, and there are different ideas and suggestions to consider.
When it comes right down to it, you do what Ignatius suggests, list the pros and cons.
I'm not there yet, at least I don't think so.
I honestly don't feel ready for the priesthood yet, and to be honest, a lot of the running-of-a-parish stuff that I see weary clergy talking about and dealing with makes it seem a bit more unappealing, but to be fair, I don't know a lot about that yet.
At this point, I think going to Canada is going to be helpful to making a decision, but after my conversation tomorrow, we shall see. I'm not going to make any hastey decisions.
So, yeah... I'm not sure how much sense this made, but there ya go! that's me!
Nancy
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
So some of you are Facebook friends with me and I'm sure you've seen bits from me about Passports, etc. and are probably thinking to yourself, "huh?"
So, here's my answer - at least for right now at the moment anyway.
For a while now I've been pondering - seriously - how best to live out my call to the priesthood - by this 'call' I mean the one that we all have by virtue of our baptism.
In exploring that, I'm taking a look at women's religious orders because I'm very happy here at SSJE. To be fair, I'm not sure if it's Just because of the wonderful Brothers that are truly Brothers to me now, but I think that I've also come to love this life. To be fair, I'm not sure if it's just SSJE's particular incarnation of such, or life in general, so I'm going to check it out and see.
There's a community - SSJD in Canada - that the Brothers have a close relationship withand are suggesting I take a look at. I've contacted them, one of the Brothers is writing me a letter of recommendation so that they have some idea of what it's like living with Doc and I.
SSJD has a summer discernment program, month long, not sure when in June it starts, but goes until sometime in July. I'm not sure of dates because that page is down on their website right now but is being added to, so I'll have more concrete information later on.
So anyway, in the meantime, I contacted SSJD's Superior and told her my story and talked about what my needs are, visually, liturgically, etc. and that I'll be bringing Doc with me.
At this point the message I've gotten is they're waiting on the email from the SSJE Brother and they'll get back to me.
Some of you are probably saying to yourselves, "But didn't she Just do nine months of discernment in a religious community?"
Yes, I did, but this type of discernment is more specific, it has more of a particular 'goal' in mind. I say that word loosely because their are a lot of factors to keep in mind when discerning a call to anything, but with a religious community, as with the church, there is more than just my feelings to take into account. And with religious communities anyway, the only way to 'check this out' is to do just that, go have a look.
So I'm in the process of geting my Passport, SSJE's going to help me get to SSJD, so I don't have to worry about that, phew... Now I tentatively plan, wait, pray and keep an open mind.
I'm going to be having a conversation tomorrow that is going to, I'm assuming, present different directions to consider, and I promise that I will not say no off-hand. I'm going to keep my mouth shut, and listen to what they have to say.
I don't know where I'm headed, but this feels right.
I know a lot of people don't understand how religious life could be appealing, and they think that I should 'want more'. Frankly, I'm not sure what I want right now, I know that I have been very happy with my life here at SSJE and despite I'm not a morning person and 6am is Early, I'm going to miss being in church so much and praying with a community. I like the structure too, it just works for me, I can't explain it and I know that's not helpful, especially when people I care about and that care about me are trying desperately to understand, and care deeply for my happiness and well-being. I know there is also a fear from some that I would be 'wasting my life'.
I don't feel that way.
I don't know when I became such a metaphorical person, but I almost feel like all of these things I'm trying and thinking about are like using finer and finer grades of sand paper, to get the thing you are sanding to come out as it is intended to be. I feel like I'm still being shaped or 'formed' and all of these things are doing things, giving me ideas, things to think aboutso that I can become who I'm meant to be.
Being in my head is exhausting sometimes, there are so many voices from so many people, all out of care and concern, and there are my feelings and experiences, and there are different ideas and suggestions to consider.
When it comes right down to it, you do what Ignatius suggests, list the pros and cons.
I'm not there yet, at least I don't think so.
I honestly don't feel ready for the priesthood yet, and to be honest, a lot of the running-of-a-parish stuff that I see weary clergy talking about and dealing with makes it seem a bit more unappealing, but to be fair, I don't know a lot about that yet.
At this point, I think going to Canada is going to be helpful to making a decision, but after my conversation tomorrow, we shall see. I'm not going to make any hastey decisions.
So, yeah... I'm not sure how much sense this made, but there ya go! that's me!
Nancy
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
I'm not sure I want to
That title sums up how I feel right now. It's May 1st. It makes me sad.
If I've learned anything over the last few months it's this, I have to acknowledge how I feel, even if it makes me uncomfortable, even if I don't want to.
I'm going to try, with God's help, the support of the Brothers and other interns, and presumably your prayers, to cherish this next month as best I can.
It doesn't help that I'm in a weird spot right now, but so be it. Things are getting complicated. Although, frankly this happens to me every time I think I've decided on a step forward, I get other thoughts or opinions, and they give me different things to consider thus my previously decided upon- or at least supposed decided upon decision is questioned then it brings me to a dizzying spot where I feel a bit confused.
Oh well, that's pretty much where I'm at for now. I was chatting with someone the other day and said that it almost feels like I'm 'supposed' to do this
'bobbing' as I've come to call it. It's not directionless, I don't think anyway... Perhaps it's one of those 'big picture things and I've only got a piece of the puzzle to look at and wonder 'how does this fit'?
I'm doing my best to trust that this bobbing is for an important reason, perhaps if it's not, I will at least have learned something about myself.
It's very apt that we're reading this particular chapter in our book "The Jesuit Guide to almost Everything" the chapter is Ch 11, Surrendering to the future, it's on obedience. It's weird because that particular vow of the monastic world isn't something that I've had too much difficulty with- though I'm not a monastic, I still live in a system that has an ultimate 'go-to-person' and I take comfort in that, there is someone that takes my thoughts into account and listens to me, but also decides what is best. That's what the Superior does anyway, I have a feeling that God does the same thing, it's just that we need to trust that, and That's the hard part.
So, I'm going to do my best to stay in the moment, to acknowledge how I feel, do my best to 'not harden my heart', 'incline the ear of my heart' and trust that even though I may not see the 'big picture' right now, this struggling isn't for nothing.
I realized this morning that my metaphor is changed, it's not about Jacob wrestling with God anymore, rather it's changed to holding onto God's hand and taking tentative steps on the surface of the sea that I've been bobbing in for a while, I'm going to do my best, and when it comes down to it, I really think that's what God asks, that when we fall, or even if we Think we're going to fall we call out for God to catch us.
The tricky part, is sometimes I don't want to, and personally, I kinda feel that way a bit right now.
I don't feel relieved after having written this but that's ok, I will, at some point.
Blessings to you all,
Nancy
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
If I've learned anything over the last few months it's this, I have to acknowledge how I feel, even if it makes me uncomfortable, even if I don't want to.
I'm going to try, with God's help, the support of the Brothers and other interns, and presumably your prayers, to cherish this next month as best I can.
It doesn't help that I'm in a weird spot right now, but so be it. Things are getting complicated. Although, frankly this happens to me every time I think I've decided on a step forward, I get other thoughts or opinions, and they give me different things to consider thus my previously decided upon- or at least supposed decided upon decision is questioned then it brings me to a dizzying spot where I feel a bit confused.
Oh well, that's pretty much where I'm at for now. I was chatting with someone the other day and said that it almost feels like I'm 'supposed' to do this
'bobbing' as I've come to call it. It's not directionless, I don't think anyway... Perhaps it's one of those 'big picture things and I've only got a piece of the puzzle to look at and wonder 'how does this fit'?
I'm doing my best to trust that this bobbing is for an important reason, perhaps if it's not, I will at least have learned something about myself.
It's very apt that we're reading this particular chapter in our book "The Jesuit Guide to almost Everything" the chapter is Ch 11, Surrendering to the future, it's on obedience. It's weird because that particular vow of the monastic world isn't something that I've had too much difficulty with- though I'm not a monastic, I still live in a system that has an ultimate 'go-to-person' and I take comfort in that, there is someone that takes my thoughts into account and listens to me, but also decides what is best. That's what the Superior does anyway, I have a feeling that God does the same thing, it's just that we need to trust that, and That's the hard part.
So, I'm going to do my best to stay in the moment, to acknowledge how I feel, do my best to 'not harden my heart', 'incline the ear of my heart' and trust that even though I may not see the 'big picture' right now, this struggling isn't for nothing.
I realized this morning that my metaphor is changed, it's not about Jacob wrestling with God anymore, rather it's changed to holding onto God's hand and taking tentative steps on the surface of the sea that I've been bobbing in for a while, I'm going to do my best, and when it comes down to it, I really think that's what God asks, that when we fall, or even if we Think we're going to fall we call out for God to catch us.
The tricky part, is sometimes I don't want to, and personally, I kinda feel that way a bit right now.
I don't feel relieved after having written this but that's ok, I will, at some point.
Blessings to you all,
Nancy
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Two Questions
So, I came on this internship with a question, and almost 9 months later, I've resolved that question but now have two more!
So, the question I came here with, was "am I truly called to be a priest, really?" In wrestling with that question, I've also been doing a lot of other things at the same time.
I acknowledged some of my greater fears in an honest, up-front way and found a freedom in doing so that make me wonder why I hadn't just come right out and said these things when I first got here.
I've also been learning to cultivate my relationship with God. That's a life-long thing but at least beginning to take some steps in finding how I connect with God has been a very helpful thing.
I've also lived a life that is almost counter-cultural. The things like prestigue, money, possessions- to find happiness are stripped away here, and you are faced with no other option but to wade into the waters of your soul and go fishing. You find some things along the way to work on, others to cultivate, and all the time realizing that this layer of 'stuff' is only accessible at this time in your life, as you age, and your circumstances in life change, this layer of 'stuff' will be different, and all we can do is learn, and pick ourselves up again when we fall, and trust that every time we fall, God is beside us, cheering us on, dusting us off, and helping us to stand- we neer do it alone.
So the two questions I've got before me now, are at least in my mind rather simple questions.
Am I called to be a priest now or later? and how best is that life of ministry going to be lived out for me, do I need a community to live my life out of, coming from a group of people who's reason for being is the lifting up of others in prayer and mutual support of each other, or can I find that community in another place, possibly with a group of people I live with or a spouse, or some other sort of community. I've already decided that the support of a community is something I need- the question remains what does that community look like!
So in a nutshell, that's what I've gotten out of this experience!
Yes, of course there's more than that, but at this point in time, that about articulates it for now, and I hope gives you all some idea of what I'm thinking.
A great picture, there are tulips in the guesthouse garden- I'm totally allergic to pollen btw, so now that Spring has arrived, I'm quite uncomfortable, but this picture is great, it shows the phases of a single plant all in one place, from a plant about to open, to one partially open but with no color, and to a pink one vibrantly alive and saying, ok here I am!
I'll update tomorrow with the differences I've noticed in the season of Eastertide here at SSJE.
Blessings to you all,
Nancy
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
So, the question I came here with, was "am I truly called to be a priest, really?" In wrestling with that question, I've also been doing a lot of other things at the same time.
I acknowledged some of my greater fears in an honest, up-front way and found a freedom in doing so that make me wonder why I hadn't just come right out and said these things when I first got here.
I've also been learning to cultivate my relationship with God. That's a life-long thing but at least beginning to take some steps in finding how I connect with God has been a very helpful thing.
I've also lived a life that is almost counter-cultural. The things like prestigue, money, possessions- to find happiness are stripped away here, and you are faced with no other option but to wade into the waters of your soul and go fishing. You find some things along the way to work on, others to cultivate, and all the time realizing that this layer of 'stuff' is only accessible at this time in your life, as you age, and your circumstances in life change, this layer of 'stuff' will be different, and all we can do is learn, and pick ourselves up again when we fall, and trust that every time we fall, God is beside us, cheering us on, dusting us off, and helping us to stand- we neer do it alone.
So the two questions I've got before me now, are at least in my mind rather simple questions.
Am I called to be a priest now or later? and how best is that life of ministry going to be lived out for me, do I need a community to live my life out of, coming from a group of people who's reason for being is the lifting up of others in prayer and mutual support of each other, or can I find that community in another place, possibly with a group of people I live with or a spouse, or some other sort of community. I've already decided that the support of a community is something I need- the question remains what does that community look like!
So in a nutshell, that's what I've gotten out of this experience!
Yes, of course there's more than that, but at this point in time, that about articulates it for now, and I hope gives you all some idea of what I'm thinking.
A great picture, there are tulips in the guesthouse garden- I'm totally allergic to pollen btw, so now that Spring has arrived, I'm quite uncomfortable, but this picture is great, it shows the phases of a single plant all in one place, from a plant about to open, to one partially open but with no color, and to a pink one vibrantly alive and saying, ok here I am!
I'll update tomorrow with the differences I've noticed in the season of Eastertide here at SSJE.
Blessings to you all,
Nancy
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Our soul waits for the lord, for he is our help and our shield
Greetings to you all,
I'm not going to do a recap just yet but bear with me a moment.
So thus far my Lent has been frustrating. I've felt restless and antsy as of late. Part of it is I'm going home in less than two weeks. I've also had a hard time settling into Lent. I find myself trying to hide but from what I'm not sure. I haven't been able to stick to anything really, although I did put my schedule into my phone to better organize my time, which has proofed helpful.
I tried something this morning though that I really seem to have connected to, praying with prayer beads.
I've had this set since my Freshman year of college and have experimented with them off and on through the years but have just wanted it to work better. I stumbled upon a kindle book last night that I really like. It's called Praying With Beads- or something like that. The great thing about it is that there's structure to it. The book follows the church year with three different prayers for each week but with some for special days, Christmas, etc.
The prayer has a prayer for the cross, invitatory, cruciforms, weeks, the Lords prayer for the invitatory bead then another for the cross at the end. Mthe cruciforms are bits of scripture- today's was John 3:17, the week beads were psalm 33:20. I found that I'd get into a rhythm with the weeks then the cruciform would snap me back out so my mind couldn't wander too far. That was disconcerting at first but after my first time around the rhythm of each 7 week beads then the cruciform became a rhythm of its own.
I discovered I like to hold it between my thumb, index, and middle fingers but I also realized a set of larger beads, even different shapes and textures is appealing, it's just too similar and honestly I'd rather have a crucifix rather than just a cross. Had a conversation the other day while preparing lunch about blank crosses vs crucifixes. I like the idea of being reminded that Christ wasn't Just divine he was a person too and he died as a person too, it makes him seem more relatable to me.
So I'm going prayer bead shopping - online, and see if there are options like that. As I was praying I even thought that river rocks sounded appealing too, to be connected to God's creation.
-topic change-
I tend to 'bounce' so thought I'd warn you!
I spent a little time with the Bishop this past week. I was really nervous the first day or so and when I'd get nervous I found myself looking at him, for approval perhaps, I dunno.
I was ordered by the Superior to "leave him alone". Of course that was my plan to begin with but when the Superior says so, you take it to heart, or I did anyway.
I saw him mostly in the guesthouse kitchen, unsurprisingly. He gave me a book his last day here, Henri Nouwen's Praying with Icons. He asked me about lighting the candle that sits next to the icon of Jesus in the Holy Spirit Chapel and after telling him where the matches were, sitting atop the fire extinguisher cabinet, I mentioned my not understanding the purpose of icons. He asked me if I'd read the book and after I said no, that was sort of the end of it.
He's a really neat guy, we chatted with him a bit after 2nd Evensong on Sunday, he's got great stories. I bet he was an awesome parish priest, I can see it.
Another interesting note, last Friday I was in the Scholla again but this time rather than chanting the psalm in my octave I did something called a drone. The reaction of the congregation was amazing, you'd have thought I'd never chanted before! Even the Brothers! They were all very complementary, apparently I'm going to be doing something like that during Holy Week. We've been practicing for Tenabrae during our weekly choir practice and it gets better and better each time. We did a really awesome hymn for the Phos this past weekend, a mix of Greek Orthodox and French motifs. It was absolutely amazing.
Ok, so I'm out of things to say, two weeks from yesterday I'll be home, andSunday is my birthday. I'm looking forward to a good
week.
Until later,
Nancy
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
I'm not going to do a recap just yet but bear with me a moment.
So thus far my Lent has been frustrating. I've felt restless and antsy as of late. Part of it is I'm going home in less than two weeks. I've also had a hard time settling into Lent. I find myself trying to hide but from what I'm not sure. I haven't been able to stick to anything really, although I did put my schedule into my phone to better organize my time, which has proofed helpful.
I tried something this morning though that I really seem to have connected to, praying with prayer beads.
I've had this set since my Freshman year of college and have experimented with them off and on through the years but have just wanted it to work better. I stumbled upon a kindle book last night that I really like. It's called Praying With Beads- or something like that. The great thing about it is that there's structure to it. The book follows the church year with three different prayers for each week but with some for special days, Christmas, etc.
The prayer has a prayer for the cross, invitatory, cruciforms, weeks, the Lords prayer for the invitatory bead then another for the cross at the end. Mthe cruciforms are bits of scripture- today's was John 3:17, the week beads were psalm 33:20. I found that I'd get into a rhythm with the weeks then the cruciform would snap me back out so my mind couldn't wander too far. That was disconcerting at first but after my first time around the rhythm of each 7 week beads then the cruciform became a rhythm of its own.
I discovered I like to hold it between my thumb, index, and middle fingers but I also realized a set of larger beads, even different shapes and textures is appealing, it's just too similar and honestly I'd rather have a crucifix rather than just a cross. Had a conversation the other day while preparing lunch about blank crosses vs crucifixes. I like the idea of being reminded that Christ wasn't Just divine he was a person too and he died as a person too, it makes him seem more relatable to me.
So I'm going prayer bead shopping - online, and see if there are options like that. As I was praying I even thought that river rocks sounded appealing too, to be connected to God's creation.
-topic change-
I tend to 'bounce' so thought I'd warn you!
I spent a little time with the Bishop this past week. I was really nervous the first day or so and when I'd get nervous I found myself looking at him, for approval perhaps, I dunno.
I was ordered by the Superior to "leave him alone". Of course that was my plan to begin with but when the Superior says so, you take it to heart, or I did anyway.
I saw him mostly in the guesthouse kitchen, unsurprisingly. He gave me a book his last day here, Henri Nouwen's Praying with Icons. He asked me about lighting the candle that sits next to the icon of Jesus in the Holy Spirit Chapel and after telling him where the matches were, sitting atop the fire extinguisher cabinet, I mentioned my not understanding the purpose of icons. He asked me if I'd read the book and after I said no, that was sort of the end of it.
He's a really neat guy, we chatted with him a bit after 2nd Evensong on Sunday, he's got great stories. I bet he was an awesome parish priest, I can see it.
Another interesting note, last Friday I was in the Scholla again but this time rather than chanting the psalm in my octave I did something called a drone. The reaction of the congregation was amazing, you'd have thought I'd never chanted before! Even the Brothers! They were all very complementary, apparently I'm going to be doing something like that during Holy Week. We've been practicing for Tenabrae during our weekly choir practice and it gets better and better each time. We did a really awesome hymn for the Phos this past weekend, a mix of Greek Orthodox and French motifs. It was absolutely amazing.
Ok, so I'm out of things to say, two weeks from yesterday I'll be home, andSunday is my birthday. I'm looking forward to a good
week.
Until later,
Nancy
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Our Soul Waits for the Lord, for he is our help and our shield
Greetings to you all,
I'm not going to do a recap just yet but bear with me a moment.
So thus far my Lent has been frustrating. I've felt restless and antsy as of late. Part of it is I'm going home in less than two weeks. I've also had a hard time settling into Lent. I find myself trying to hide but from what I'm not sure. I haven't been able to stick to anything really, although I did put my schedule into my phone to better organize my time, which has proofed helpful.
I tried something this morning though that I really seem to have connected to, praying with prayer beads.
I've had this set since my Freshman year of college and have experimented with them off and on through the years but have just wanted it to work better. I stumbled upon a kindle book last night that I really like. It's called Praying With Beads- or something like that. The great thing about it is that there's structure to it. The book follows the church year with three different prayers for each week but with some for special days, Christmas, etc.
The prayer has a prayer for the cross, invitatory, cruciforms, weeks, the Lords prayer for the invitatory bead then another for the cross at the end. Mthe cruciforms are bits of scripture- today's was John 3:17, the week beads were psalm 33:20. I found that I'd get into a rhythm with the weeks then the cruciform would snap me back out so my mind couldn't wander too far. That was disconcerting at first but after my first time around the rhythm of each 7 week beads then the cruciform became a rhythm of its own.
I discovered I like to hold it between my thumb, index, and middle fingers but I also realized a set of larger beads, even different shapes and textures is appealing, it's just too similar and honestly I'd rather have a crucifix rather than just a cross. Had a conversation the other day while preparing lunch about blank crosses vs crucifixes. I like the idea of being reminded that Christ wasn't Just divine he was a person too and he died as a person too, it makes him seem more relatable to me.
So I'm going prayer bead shopping - online, and see if there are options like that. As I was praying I even thought that river rocks sounded appealing too, to be connected to God's creation.
-topic change-
I tend to 'bounce' so thought I'd warn you!
I spent a little time with the Bishop this past week. I was really nervous the first day or so and when I'd get nervous I found myself looking at him, for approval perhaps, I dunno.
I was ordered by the Superior to "leave him alone". Of course that was my plan to begin with but when the Superior says so, you take it to heart, or I did anyway.
I saw him mostly in the guesthouse kitchen, unsurprisingly. He gave me a book his last day here, Henri Nouwen's Praying with Icons. He asked me about lighting the candle that sits next to the icon of Jesus in the Holy Spirit Chapel and after telling him where the matches were, sitting atop the fire extinguisher cabinet, I mentioned my not understanding the purpose of icons. He asked me if I'd read the book and after I said no, that was sort of the end of it.
He's a really neat guy, we chatted with him a bit after 2nd Evensong on Sunday, he's got great stories. I bet he was an awesome parish priest, I can see it.
Another interesting note, last Friday I was in the Scholla again but this time rather than chanting the psalm in my octave I did something called a drone. The reaction of the congregation was amazing, you'd have thought I'd never chanted before! Even the Brothers! They were all very complementary, apparently I'm going to be doing something like that during Holy Week. We've been practicing for Tenabrae during our weekly choir practice and it gets better and better each time. We did a really awesome hymn for the Phos this past weekend, a mix of Greek Orthodox and French motifs. It was absolutely amazing.
Ok, so I'm out of things to say, two weeks from yesterday I'll be home, andSunday is my birthday. I'm looking forward to a good
week.
Until later,
Nancy
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
I'm not going to do a recap just yet but bear with me a moment.
So thus far my Lent has been frustrating. I've felt restless and antsy as of late. Part of it is I'm going home in less than two weeks. I've also had a hard time settling into Lent. I find myself trying to hide but from what I'm not sure. I haven't been able to stick to anything really, although I did put my schedule into my phone to better organize my time, which has proofed helpful.
I tried something this morning though that I really seem to have connected to, praying with prayer beads.
I've had this set since my Freshman year of college and have experimented with them off and on through the years but have just wanted it to work better. I stumbled upon a kindle book last night that I really like. It's called Praying With Beads- or something like that. The great thing about it is that there's structure to it. The book follows the church year with three different prayers for each week but with some for special days, Christmas, etc.
The prayer has a prayer for the cross, invitatory, cruciforms, weeks, the Lords prayer for the invitatory bead then another for the cross at the end. Mthe cruciforms are bits of scripture- today's was John 3:17, the week beads were psalm 33:20. I found that I'd get into a rhythm with the weeks then the cruciform would snap me back out so my mind couldn't wander too far. That was disconcerting at first but after my first time around the rhythm of each 7 week beads then the cruciform became a rhythm of its own.
I discovered I like to hold it between my thumb, index, and middle fingers but I also realized a set of larger beads, even different shapes and textures is appealing, it's just too similar and honestly I'd rather have a crucifix rather than just a cross. Had a conversation the other day while preparing lunch about blank crosses vs crucifixes. I like the idea of being reminded that Christ wasn't Just divine he was a person too and he died as a person too, it makes him seem more relatable to me.
So I'm going prayer bead shopping - online, and see if there are options like that. As I was praying I even thought that river rocks sounded appealing too, to be connected to God's creation.
-topic change-
I tend to 'bounce' so thought I'd warn you!
I spent a little time with the Bishop this past week. I was really nervous the first day or so and when I'd get nervous I found myself looking at him, for approval perhaps, I dunno.
I was ordered by the Superior to "leave him alone". Of course that was my plan to begin with but when the Superior says so, you take it to heart, or I did anyway.
I saw him mostly in the guesthouse kitchen, unsurprisingly. He gave me a book his last day here, Henri Nouwen's Praying with Icons. He asked me about lighting the candle that sits next to the icon of Jesus in the Holy Spirit Chapel and after telling him where the matches were, sitting atop the fire extinguisher cabinet, I mentioned my not understanding the purpose of icons. He asked me if I'd read the book and after I said no, that was sort of the end of it.
He's a really neat guy, we chatted with him a bit after 2nd Evensong on Sunday, he's got great stories. I bet he was an awesome parish priest, I can see it.
Another interesting note, last Friday I was in the Scholla again but this time rather than chanting the psalm in my octave I did something called a drone. The reaction of the congregation was amazing, you'd have thought I'd never chanted before! Even the Brothers! They were all very complementary, apparently I'm going to be doing something like that during Holy Week. We've been practicing for Tenabrae during our weekly choir practice and it gets better and better each time. We did a really awesome hymn for the Phos this past weekend, a mix of Greek Orthodox and French motifs. It was absolutely amazing.
Ok, so I'm out of things to say, two weeks from yesterday I'll be home, andSunday is my birthday. I'm looking forward to a good
week.
Until later,
Nancy
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Friday, February 17, 2012
Dieing to an Idea
Hi folks,
I've waited a few days to post about this because, frankly, would I have posted sooner, I don't think I would have been able to articulate myself very well and it would have come out as an angry rant.
Let me explain, then I will talk more.
Ok, so I'm sure most of you- probably all of you- reading this know that I have been in the Discernment for Holy Orders process in my diocese for the last couple of years. Well, I got some news the other day that changes things.
I applied for this internship last March for two reasons, one it sounded like what I was looking for, and two I was looking for something to do while my diocese re-vamped their discernment process.
Well, those re-organizations have been completed- when I'm not sure, but I had a conversation the other day that explains what these changes mean in my case. I'm being blunt, but it's easier for me this way... For all intents and purposes, I am starting over.
I do not mean I am starting at square one because 3 1/2 years of discernment can't be un-done, rather I mean from an organizational paperwork standpoint I start over. How it all works at the moment, I don't understand, and honestly after the shock of that revelation, I'm ok with not understanding all the details for the moment.
What I do understand is that I am not going to be able to restart the discernment program until January of next year, there is a very simple reason for that, I'm not in Spartanburg right now.
Does it hurt to say that, yes. Am I going to come home just so I can start this new program now, no. However painful, I know that the best place for me to be is right where I am. I found out Tuesday evening and the Brothers that need to, know about what's going on. I will admit, I wish someone had sent me a letter explaining this before it got dropped in my lap the other day.
That by the way was done in the most pastorally-sensitive way possible given that I'm not sitting in their office and heard it over the phone and I can't ask questions as to why this and not that.
So, for lack of a better way of explaining it, I think I've been- and still am- mourning the loss of all the work I have done. Sure they're just pieces of paper but to me they were milestones- this is how long I've been doing this, look it's on paper- it's not just in my head!
I don't know the way that this new program is going to work, I don't believe anything I have done- at least on a paperwork level- counts at all, frankly I'm not even sure why they're going to "keep the paperwork on file" as states a letter I got back in October.
I started writing this this morning for two reasons, I don't want to carry this by myself anymore, and by putting it down in a medium I can look at and getting it all out on "paper" I can see it for what it really is and not the devistating, anger-producing, frustrating, painful, confusing Mess that it feels like in my heart.
I'm not ok with this yet, of course I'm not, I only found out a few days ago, but for me to be able to look ahead I need to get this out so that I can put it in it's place and keep going, because that's what I intend to do.
Sure, I now have to figure out what to do in the time following the conclusion of my time here at SSJE, and I will admit I can feel the anxiousness from before of 'should I get a job?' 'what am I good at?' 'what do I like to do?' ' what is someone realistically going to hire me to do?' All of those questions- at least last time, overwhelmed and frustrated me. I'm trying to stave off those feelings as best I can, I'm meeting with my mentor on Tuesday and I want to talk about these things.
So, there was a sermon this morning, the passage that was used was from Mark 8:34-9:1. The preacher talked about sometimes having to die to dreams and ideas. I do still think being a priest is something I want to actively persue, I've never really worked in a parish before, don't know if I'll like it, and then there's still the lure of the life that I'm walking beside (the life of the Brothers) I still don't really know my feelings on that either, I feel like they change as the days change. So, yeah... my feelings are hurt and while logically I understand things, my feelings are having a hard time letting go.
I'll get through it, I always do- with prayers and with God's help.
Thank you all for reading.
May you all have a Blessed and Holy Lent
Nancy
I've waited a few days to post about this because, frankly, would I have posted sooner, I don't think I would have been able to articulate myself very well and it would have come out as an angry rant.
Let me explain, then I will talk more.
Ok, so I'm sure most of you- probably all of you- reading this know that I have been in the Discernment for Holy Orders process in my diocese for the last couple of years. Well, I got some news the other day that changes things.
I applied for this internship last March for two reasons, one it sounded like what I was looking for, and two I was looking for something to do while my diocese re-vamped their discernment process.
Well, those re-organizations have been completed- when I'm not sure, but I had a conversation the other day that explains what these changes mean in my case. I'm being blunt, but it's easier for me this way... For all intents and purposes, I am starting over.
I do not mean I am starting at square one because 3 1/2 years of discernment can't be un-done, rather I mean from an organizational paperwork standpoint I start over. How it all works at the moment, I don't understand, and honestly after the shock of that revelation, I'm ok with not understanding all the details for the moment.
What I do understand is that I am not going to be able to restart the discernment program until January of next year, there is a very simple reason for that, I'm not in Spartanburg right now.
Does it hurt to say that, yes. Am I going to come home just so I can start this new program now, no. However painful, I know that the best place for me to be is right where I am. I found out Tuesday evening and the Brothers that need to, know about what's going on. I will admit, I wish someone had sent me a letter explaining this before it got dropped in my lap the other day.
That by the way was done in the most pastorally-sensitive way possible given that I'm not sitting in their office and heard it over the phone and I can't ask questions as to why this and not that.
So, for lack of a better way of explaining it, I think I've been- and still am- mourning the loss of all the work I have done. Sure they're just pieces of paper but to me they were milestones- this is how long I've been doing this, look it's on paper- it's not just in my head!
I don't know the way that this new program is going to work, I don't believe anything I have done- at least on a paperwork level- counts at all, frankly I'm not even sure why they're going to "keep the paperwork on file" as states a letter I got back in October.
I started writing this this morning for two reasons, I don't want to carry this by myself anymore, and by putting it down in a medium I can look at and getting it all out on "paper" I can see it for what it really is and not the devistating, anger-producing, frustrating, painful, confusing Mess that it feels like in my heart.
I'm not ok with this yet, of course I'm not, I only found out a few days ago, but for me to be able to look ahead I need to get this out so that I can put it in it's place and keep going, because that's what I intend to do.
Sure, I now have to figure out what to do in the time following the conclusion of my time here at SSJE, and I will admit I can feel the anxiousness from before of 'should I get a job?' 'what am I good at?' 'what do I like to do?' ' what is someone realistically going to hire me to do?' All of those questions- at least last time, overwhelmed and frustrated me. I'm trying to stave off those feelings as best I can, I'm meeting with my mentor on Tuesday and I want to talk about these things.
So, there was a sermon this morning, the passage that was used was from Mark 8:34-9:1. The preacher talked about sometimes having to die to dreams and ideas. I do still think being a priest is something I want to actively persue, I've never really worked in a parish before, don't know if I'll like it, and then there's still the lure of the life that I'm walking beside (the life of the Brothers) I still don't really know my feelings on that either, I feel like they change as the days change. So, yeah... my feelings are hurt and while logically I understand things, my feelings are having a hard time letting go.
I'll get through it, I always do- with prayers and with God's help.
Thank you all for reading.
May you all have a Blessed and Holy Lent
Nancy
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