I find that the shower is a great place for reflection. I mean, what else is there to do. The talk of cleaning oneself has become autopilot by now so I can turn my mind to other thoughts.
It's pretty amazing that wherever I go, I find a new person with a new story to tell. I have my own mixed feelings about being down at the Commission but this story affirms for me that I'm supposed to be there right now.
At the Commission, all of us blind folk have time to spend with one another, a lot of time. And some of the topics of discussion range from where you're from to the pivotal question, "so, how did you lose your vision?"
Everyone's story is different and I have to say in my twenty-four years of life, I've never heard a story like this one.
Last week early in the week, I asked one of the folks the question. His response was, "It's complicated". I thought nothing of it as some reasons for losing vision are indeed complicated. I think it was Wednesday that I found myself in the Resource Room sitting on the sofa with this man who can often be found sitting there during a free period, or just waiting for the next class to start.
I sat down and said my customary 'good morning' and asked how classes were going. His response was surprising. He apologized. I had no idea why he had done this so I said, "Whare are you apologizing for?" He said that he felt bad for not answering my question. I said that no apology was needed and I understood that it may have been something he didn't want to talk about.
Then he started telling me his story. He told a story of such anguish and pain that I can still feel it down in my soul. He told of how he hadn't slept for a few days, of praying, running naked through the woods, waking up there the next morning, then the next night hearing and feeling screams of pain and suffering. And he felt that these screams were because of him. He evidently had had this thought before, as he said later. But he offered up to the voices, "should I take out my eyes". The voices said yes.
He walked outside that night under the moonlight and ripped his eyes from his sockets...
At this point in his story, I'm stunned. I don't even remember breathing. He went on because I think I asked him whether his eyes were prosthetics like my right eye is, and he said that no, the doctor had been able to put them back in, then he said something that brought the world back into sharp focus.
"Go ahead, and tell me I'm crazy, lots of people have."
At that moment, such an overflowing wave of hurt and compassion on his behalf, and love for him swept over me. I said to him. "No, I'm not going to. I can't tell you that you don't believe what you heard. The only one who can know something like that is you."
I had this overwhelming urge to give him a hug, but I refrained. For a while, I'd wondered why, but this morning in the whoser, I think I figured out why. Sometimes when I'm in high anxiety, and if I don't see it coming, I can sometimes lash out. I think part of my reasoning for not giving him a hug at that point, was that I was trying to protect myself. Not so much from him, but more from his physical reaction. What I did do, because I had to go to class was as I passed the end of the sofa, I put my hand on his shoulder and squeezed.
I know he took a great risk in sharing his story with me, leaving himself bare for my scorn and I feel bad that I didn't give him a hug, but in my words and other actions, I'm going to try to convey my love and compassion for him. He's someone who went through mental and physical anguish and evidently has been scorned for it. I hope I'm on the list of those that care for him, because I do.
--
I had thought I was going to write more about my thoughts and feelings of being at the Commission in this post, but his story deserves to stand alone.
Much love to you all
Nancy
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
It's Been A While
Hi guys,
So, no, I haven't disapeared, I've just been getting used to the situation I've found myself in and have during this weekend come up with some pretty amazing ideas.
First off, a summary in-brief of what's been going on with me.
I've been down in Columbia at the Commission for the Blind. Tomorrow will be my third week there.
As far as I understand it, my purpose for being there as of now is to learn to use a braille display and to complete their course of training on Microsoft Excel. Frankly, I still can't think of what I'd use Excel for other than maybe some sort of budgeting, although my bank stuff is online so I'm not sure if I'll use it for my personal finances, but I get the point of it. It's a good way of organizing things. Tomorrow, I start the lesson on formulas. I'm flying through the lessons. They build on each other and the trainer says that I should be finished with that in three or four weeks, although maybe it's now tow or three, who knows.
The other thing I am learning how to use is a braille display, it's actually sort of what the name implies, it's a mechanical device connected via a usb port to a computer. In tandem with my talking software, it has braille letters pop up. It's pretty cool, I kind of get a little bit emotional about it, there's just something amazing and freeing about being able to read things. I haven't been able to read large amounts of printed information in a very long time so I spent a majority of my college career listening to what was being read to me, so being able to read it to myself and not listening to a robot is a nice change. I can't really put it into words but that's as close as I can get. Being able to read the Bible is pretty cool, thanks to the internet, I can read whatever I want whenever, as long as I have JAWS on and a braille display plugged in.
I'll admit, I had some anxiety about coming down here. I sort of felt- and still do a little bit if I'm honest with myself, that if I continue on with this I won't be able to continue on with the discernment process. I have to say, the folks at the Commission have been pretty cool. There was some initial confusion as to my reason for being there because they were under the impression I was going off to seminary. I didn't mean to give that impression, but I must have.
I got a chance to talk with a good friend of mine who actually understood my thoughts and my concerns and was able to make me feel better. She assured me that this was just a 'stepping stone' and asked me if I thought I could give whatever I end up doing the attention it deserved. I'm sure I can do that.
Knowing me, I'm going to need this 'pep talk' more than once. I guess it's because I feel like I'm going in a totally opposite direction from where I feel I'm supposed to go. Although I'm finding a really cool reason for being there. It's a person, his name is Trace.
I've met a lot of cool people and have made a lot of friends, and I think I actually know everybody's name, which is a lot seeing as that takes me a while. But two people, well three, stick out to me in-particular. First is Randy. He and I were in JAWS class together this summer.
Randy is a guy about my dad's age who lost vision about ten yars ago. I'm not sure what caused it, but in recent years, he's lost his hearing as well, making things more difficult for the guy. On top of that, he's a Baptist Deacon. We've had lots of cool conversations. A lot of them just about life but some of them on how our denominations are different and some about how I want to serve God's people given my gifts and talents. He's an amazing, awesome, God-loving guy and I'm So glad he's here.
Another person I just adore is Aubrey. She's a 20-year-old who got an infection and lost her vision her senior year of high school. I'm not sure how she did it but she was able to graduate on time and is now at the Commission to learn skills so that she can go to college. I think she's great, she wants to be a teacher, so naturally I've talked a lot about Winthrop and the other vision impaired folks there, Gena and how teaching is what Winthrop is known for... but I usually end that conversation with "but that's just my opinion."
And finally, a really amazing person I'm glad I'm there for is my friend, Trace. He was a contractor with his own business for 15 years then worked for greenville county for 4 or 5. He's losing his vision, he's been dealing with that for about 4 or 5 years and has just generally been having a rough go of it. It's been cool having conversations with him. It's fun to sometiems 'talk shop' with him. I learned a lot from my dad and Biff and so using my knowledge, I actually can hang with his conversations and when I don't understand, I ask. He's a nice guy, still dealing with anger, I can relate, I've been there. Although, there is a divide that I can but can't cross. He lost his vision later in life, I lost some vision later in life. My vision even after getting rid of scar tissue isn't as good as it was before the cataract, but it is my 'new normal'. I found that that's actually a good way of describing my situation. Donno where I picked that up, but it helps.
It's funny because having conversations with him and thinking about things makes me wonder, I know that Counseling is something I'm suited for, I'm empathetic, a good listener and all that, but there's something that still compells me toward the priesthood. I just can't explain it other than I want to "do more than just that", and I feel like I'm supposed to. What that means and what that is, I just don't know.
There are a lot of stories about how poeple lost their vision. I've heard this from every staff member I've talked to and I agree, this place is a life-changing place. Although there can be some imporving. That can be said about every organization.
I sorta had this idea for how things could be re-worked a little bit. As it stands now, if an instructor sees something I need, they have to call up to my counselor in Greer, but as of now I don't have one, so I'm not sure who they talk to. My idea is that my folder should be wherever I am.
My idea is that there should be a counselor that's at the center and their sole responsibility is for those that are in training there. They should have the power to ammend their IPE (individual plan of employment). But I guess for some reason it doesn't work that way. It may not be a good idea, btu I figured, hey why not.
Ok... so when I started this post, I must've had an idea for something else to talk about but I can't seem to remember what it was.
I'll try to update more-often.
Thanks to you guys for reading, and most-importantly, caring.
Nancy
So, no, I haven't disapeared, I've just been getting used to the situation I've found myself in and have during this weekend come up with some pretty amazing ideas.
First off, a summary in-brief of what's been going on with me.
I've been down in Columbia at the Commission for the Blind. Tomorrow will be my third week there.
As far as I understand it, my purpose for being there as of now is to learn to use a braille display and to complete their course of training on Microsoft Excel. Frankly, I still can't think of what I'd use Excel for other than maybe some sort of budgeting, although my bank stuff is online so I'm not sure if I'll use it for my personal finances, but I get the point of it. It's a good way of organizing things. Tomorrow, I start the lesson on formulas. I'm flying through the lessons. They build on each other and the trainer says that I should be finished with that in three or four weeks, although maybe it's now tow or three, who knows.
The other thing I am learning how to use is a braille display, it's actually sort of what the name implies, it's a mechanical device connected via a usb port to a computer. In tandem with my talking software, it has braille letters pop up. It's pretty cool, I kind of get a little bit emotional about it, there's just something amazing and freeing about being able to read things. I haven't been able to read large amounts of printed information in a very long time so I spent a majority of my college career listening to what was being read to me, so being able to read it to myself and not listening to a robot is a nice change. I can't really put it into words but that's as close as I can get. Being able to read the Bible is pretty cool, thanks to the internet, I can read whatever I want whenever, as long as I have JAWS on and a braille display plugged in.
I'll admit, I had some anxiety about coming down here. I sort of felt- and still do a little bit if I'm honest with myself, that if I continue on with this I won't be able to continue on with the discernment process. I have to say, the folks at the Commission have been pretty cool. There was some initial confusion as to my reason for being there because they were under the impression I was going off to seminary. I didn't mean to give that impression, but I must have.
I got a chance to talk with a good friend of mine who actually understood my thoughts and my concerns and was able to make me feel better. She assured me that this was just a 'stepping stone' and asked me if I thought I could give whatever I end up doing the attention it deserved. I'm sure I can do that.
Knowing me, I'm going to need this 'pep talk' more than once. I guess it's because I feel like I'm going in a totally opposite direction from where I feel I'm supposed to go. Although I'm finding a really cool reason for being there. It's a person, his name is Trace.
I've met a lot of cool people and have made a lot of friends, and I think I actually know everybody's name, which is a lot seeing as that takes me a while. But two people, well three, stick out to me in-particular. First is Randy. He and I were in JAWS class together this summer.
Randy is a guy about my dad's age who lost vision about ten yars ago. I'm not sure what caused it, but in recent years, he's lost his hearing as well, making things more difficult for the guy. On top of that, he's a Baptist Deacon. We've had lots of cool conversations. A lot of them just about life but some of them on how our denominations are different and some about how I want to serve God's people given my gifts and talents. He's an amazing, awesome, God-loving guy and I'm So glad he's here.
Another person I just adore is Aubrey. She's a 20-year-old who got an infection and lost her vision her senior year of high school. I'm not sure how she did it but she was able to graduate on time and is now at the Commission to learn skills so that she can go to college. I think she's great, she wants to be a teacher, so naturally I've talked a lot about Winthrop and the other vision impaired folks there, Gena and how teaching is what Winthrop is known for... but I usually end that conversation with "but that's just my opinion."
And finally, a really amazing person I'm glad I'm there for is my friend, Trace. He was a contractor with his own business for 15 years then worked for greenville county for 4 or 5. He's losing his vision, he's been dealing with that for about 4 or 5 years and has just generally been having a rough go of it. It's been cool having conversations with him. It's fun to sometiems 'talk shop' with him. I learned a lot from my dad and Biff and so using my knowledge, I actually can hang with his conversations and when I don't understand, I ask. He's a nice guy, still dealing with anger, I can relate, I've been there. Although, there is a divide that I can but can't cross. He lost his vision later in life, I lost some vision later in life. My vision even after getting rid of scar tissue isn't as good as it was before the cataract, but it is my 'new normal'. I found that that's actually a good way of describing my situation. Donno where I picked that up, but it helps.
It's funny because having conversations with him and thinking about things makes me wonder, I know that Counseling is something I'm suited for, I'm empathetic, a good listener and all that, but there's something that still compells me toward the priesthood. I just can't explain it other than I want to "do more than just that", and I feel like I'm supposed to. What that means and what that is, I just don't know.
There are a lot of stories about how poeple lost their vision. I've heard this from every staff member I've talked to and I agree, this place is a life-changing place. Although there can be some imporving. That can be said about every organization.
I sorta had this idea for how things could be re-worked a little bit. As it stands now, if an instructor sees something I need, they have to call up to my counselor in Greer, but as of now I don't have one, so I'm not sure who they talk to. My idea is that my folder should be wherever I am.
My idea is that there should be a counselor that's at the center and their sole responsibility is for those that are in training there. They should have the power to ammend their IPE (individual plan of employment). But I guess for some reason it doesn't work that way. It may not be a good idea, btu I figured, hey why not.
Ok... so when I started this post, I must've had an idea for something else to talk about but I can't seem to remember what it was.
I'll try to update more-often.
Thanks to you guys for reading, and most-importantly, caring.
Nancy
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