Hi folks,
I've waited a few days to post about this because, frankly, would I have posted sooner, I don't think I would have been able to articulate myself very well and it would have come out as an angry rant.
Let me explain, then I will talk more.
Ok, so I'm sure most of you- probably all of you- reading this know that I have been in the Discernment for Holy Orders process in my diocese for the last couple of years. Well, I got some news the other day that changes things.
I applied for this internship last March for two reasons, one it sounded like what I was looking for, and two I was looking for something to do while my diocese re-vamped their discernment process.
Well, those re-organizations have been completed- when I'm not sure, but I had a conversation the other day that explains what these changes mean in my case. I'm being blunt, but it's easier for me this way... For all intents and purposes, I am starting over.
I do not mean I am starting at square one because 3 1/2 years of discernment can't be un-done, rather I mean from an organizational paperwork standpoint I start over. How it all works at the moment, I don't understand, and honestly after the shock of that revelation, I'm ok with not understanding all the details for the moment.
What I do understand is that I am not going to be able to restart the discernment program until January of next year, there is a very simple reason for that, I'm not in Spartanburg right now.
Does it hurt to say that, yes. Am I going to come home just so I can start this new program now, no. However painful, I know that the best place for me to be is right where I am. I found out Tuesday evening and the Brothers that need to, know about what's going on. I will admit, I wish someone had sent me a letter explaining this before it got dropped in my lap the other day.
That by the way was done in the most pastorally-sensitive way possible given that I'm not sitting in their office and heard it over the phone and I can't ask questions as to why this and not that.
So, for lack of a better way of explaining it, I think I've been- and still am- mourning the loss of all the work I have done. Sure they're just pieces of paper but to me they were milestones- this is how long I've been doing this, look it's on paper- it's not just in my head!
I don't know the way that this new program is going to work, I don't believe anything I have done- at least on a paperwork level- counts at all, frankly I'm not even sure why they're going to "keep the paperwork on file" as states a letter I got back in October.
I started writing this this morning for two reasons, I don't want to carry this by myself anymore, and by putting it down in a medium I can look at and getting it all out on "paper" I can see it for what it really is and not the devistating, anger-producing, frustrating, painful, confusing Mess that it feels like in my heart.
I'm not ok with this yet, of course I'm not, I only found out a few days ago, but for me to be able to look ahead I need to get this out so that I can put it in it's place and keep going, because that's what I intend to do.
Sure, I now have to figure out what to do in the time following the conclusion of my time here at SSJE, and I will admit I can feel the anxiousness from before of 'should I get a job?' 'what am I good at?' 'what do I like to do?' ' what is someone realistically going to hire me to do?' All of those questions- at least last time, overwhelmed and frustrated me. I'm trying to stave off those feelings as best I can, I'm meeting with my mentor on Tuesday and I want to talk about these things.
So, there was a sermon this morning, the passage that was used was from Mark 8:34-9:1. The preacher talked about sometimes having to die to dreams and ideas. I do still think being a priest is something I want to actively persue, I've never really worked in a parish before, don't know if I'll like it, and then there's still the lure of the life that I'm walking beside (the life of the Brothers) I still don't really know my feelings on that either, I feel like they change as the days change. So, yeah... my feelings are hurt and while logically I understand things, my feelings are having a hard time letting go.
I'll get through it, I always do- with prayers and with God's help.
Thank you all for reading.
May you all have a Blessed and Holy Lent
Nancy
