at home

It's weird to be home. It's not bad, it's actually kinda nice.
I just saw the special that ETV did on me talking about my internship. For some reason I'm feeling kinda sad. I'm not sure if it's because I'm now waiting or what.
I've gotten an email from Charlie- my sponsoring priest, he asked me what I was planning to do now.
I talked to Ed last week- on Friday. We talked about working in a call center. I don't think it's a horrible idea. I don't understand why I'm feeling sad, and what I'm sad about.
I think I'm a little nervous about my upcoming meeting with my committee on the 18th and I'm a little anxious about going down to Columbia tomorrow. Getting my stipend from this experience is cool, I know I deserve it but I'm sad.
I wonder if part of it has to do with this being truly the end. I'd like to do more with theatre and I think it'd be ok to do it for fun. I'd prefer to do it as a professional. I think the part that makes me sad is that in the interview, everyone seemed excited about the fact that I was doing my internship, but now it feels like "yeah that's cool, but now it's time to go get a real job." Nobody has actually said that.
I think another part of my feeling so sad is Cole... It's very hard for me to look at Cole. I can see that his eyes are cloudy. I know what that means, I can see it. He gets lost in the backyard. He runs into things. I'm having a really hard time with this. It's hard to watch him struggling to walk around like this. He's a shadow of my guide that he once was. It's painful. Even though I know there was nothing I could have done, I feel like I could have done more. I know that's not rational. I know it doesn't make any sense but I just feel... awful. I want better for him. He deserves better. I called my eye doctor yesterday and haven't heard back from him yet. He's in the Sierra club or something but I was wondering if he could help me find ways of funding surgery for Cole.
The surgery is 6,000 and I can't afford to pay for it. I'm going to look at colleges that teach vet medicine and see if maybe one of them would be willing to do it at a reduced rate.
My dad heard about a vet in Greenville who would do it and help with raising the money for it but the lady he heard it from he hasn't seen in a while. I want to do something! I'm having a hard time sitting here waiting. I kind of feel like I'm drowning. And I don't feel like it's something I'm expressing very well.

I have no idea what this post was supposed to be but here it is. Prayers, suggestions and whatnot would be helpful.
Later