Hi guys,
So this weenend my parents are up in Virginia for my Uncle's retirement from the Navy thus leaving myself and my two sisters to ourselves for the weekend.
We've had a good time, watching a movie or two, listening to loud music, sleeping in and just enjoying each other's company. Tonight I asked my sister if she would help me read one of the suggested readings on the resource list that is recommended during discernment. I am finding that maybe a little less than half of the suggested readings are available to me. Meaning that I'm able to access them online in a format that my talking software can read, or am able to get them in an audio format.
That has proved a bit frustrating to me. I've started reading just about everything I could get access to but haven't finished them. I'm not sure why, but there hasn't really been one that impacted me as much as the one I just had my sister read to me that talked about group spiritual discernment. It's not bad, I did find myself listening to things that would get me thinking about examples of things then I'd have to tune back in, apologize for my inattentiveness and ask her to repeat what she said. Needless to say, we got about 8 of 15 pages read and she was tired and my brain was quite full.
One of the more prominent things I got out of that was the discussion on time and how when it comes to discerning things of a spiritual nature, not rusthing is important. It's interesting that situations in my own life and that of my committee members kind of made us slow down. I will admit, I found this frustrationg at the time but now I'm greatful for the pace this process has gone so far.
I found this important becaus as of now, I am feeling a sense of time running out. There's the Commission and their plans for me and them taking their time in getting things set up, but then there is my concern that if I go through with the Commission's plans and my discernment committee says yes, I'm going to step out of the commission's plans and into the process that may lead to seminary.
I've been told that it's ok to do that if my discernment continues and I get to go forward and off to school. I really really do want to go forward in this process. I understand that I'm not supposed to 'convince' my committee of anything just be honest but I admit, it seems like it would be easier just to say what I need to in order to make this happen. Two problems with that though, one, I have no idea what those things would be. Two, that wouldn't be being honest with myself or the process and why even continue if I'm not going to be honest. So basically, I figure that's overall just not a good idea, so then how do I proceed?
Well, I figure I'm looking for experiences that help me to figure out this crazy thing that I'm trying to figure out. I've really enjoyed working with the folks at the food pantry and helping them get set up and I really enjoyed my interactions with the wonderful amazing people I met this summer, and I've even learned some things while going through this process of wrapping my heart around the idea of my grandmother not being here.
It's strange, I don't really feel as much pain as I thought I would a week after barrying her. Yes there is still 'something' that makes me want to tear up sometimes. What it is, I'm not able to figure out right now. I do feel like I need someone to sit down with me and ask questions that will help me to better understand my thoughts. Then I have this thought, maybe I'm not meant to understand, maybe I'm just meant to feel and nothing more.
It's funny, I think about all of those things, the grieving process, the interactions I've had, the people I've met the things I've done and I ask myself, "So, do all these things lead you to think you should be a Priest? Or should you consider something else?"
The only thing I can think of in response to that is "I want to use all of my experiences to be able to comfort those in need of comforting, share the things I've learned in my short life about God and how I relate to Him with those who are interested, and to share my love of people with those who just need to know someone loves them." Is that a 'good enough' answer? I have no idea. That's further than I was before... so I guess that's something.
I want you all to know that I appreciate your reading of this. For some reason, I tend to do better at this 'journal' thing when I know someone is interested in my thoughts and feelings. Call it what you will, frankly I can't think of a depricating thing to call it, so I'll just leave it at that.
I guess to put it in plain english. I Yearn to serve God's people. It's a feeling akin to the strong emotions I feel about my grandma having died. I don't understand it but when I think, talk or write about it, I get the feeling every time. It's a 'tug' or a lurch in my heart that is so strong I want to fall on the floor and sob.
Am I being stubborn in having a hard time considering other things. Am I not giving this process the open-mindedness it deserves. I don't know. I just feel like this is what I'm supposed to do. I guess I don't really understand how the ordaination aspect would change things. I guess I need to see it for myself. I'm going to chat with Fr. Rob tomorrow at church about when we can meet and mention (per Roy's advice) that I'm going to meet with my discernment committee before the end of September, probably in the last week, and I need to have seen what it's like to do what it is that he does. How this will work, I don't know. I'm hopeful though.
The one thing that has kept me going through all of the self-doubt and questioning of myself is that 'feeling' of this is good, this is right. I've Never ever gotten the thought to stop or to postpone, I actually have the feeling of 'why not now?' I'm told by people that this time in my life is a 'transition point'. That brings a lot of uncertainty, but for some reason the only certain thing I have right now is that this discernment process is an important thing for me to go through now.
Am I being too honest? I don't know, but I was told to be honest. If that hurts me in the end, then why say it if you don't want me to take you literally.
I don't know if this has made any sense but going back to my first point. The time at times can be a pain because I feel like I should be doing something, but not knowing what, I wait. Then the thought of time is daunting and if these things don't happen at the right time, I'm stuck. So basically the only thing I've realized is that I can't control time so I do what I feel is right at the time and hope and pray that things will turn out the way they are supposed to.
Much love to you all for listening to my ramblings :)
Nancy
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