a long post, just so you know

This post is going to pretain to what's going on in my life right now, but I must give a bit of context first.

My grandmother was living by herself for most of my life until about two years ago. She spent time in the hospital then had to move into my parent's house. She's been living with us ever since. I've been in school for the last few years so I didn't really know what it was like living with her. When she first moved in, she told me that if she had a gun she would have killed herself. I sat with her a few times and wept beside her as she cried that she wanted to go to heaven to be with her family that she missed.

Two years later, she may very well get her wish.

She's been not feeling well for about a week from last wednesday or so. It seemed like it got worse Friday evening when we were all at dinner and my mom was trying to get her to eat something. She ate a bite, maybe two then said, "Stop pushing, I just want to go".

Things had been getting bad and my parents decided that the time was nearing that she may need to go to the hospital. Well, Sunday evening about 11:30 or so, after I helped her eat a few bites of an omlet for dinner, she must've passed out. My sister heard her moaning and got my parents. My dad called 911 and they showed up. First it was a fire truck looking thing, then a few minutes later the ambulance showed up.

They took her, she had a feaver and was moaning in pain a lot. She cried out when they transferred her to the stretcher. My parents were running around getting dressed, getting all her meds, and making sure she had all her insurance papers.

My parents got back at 7 the next morning. I didn't sleep well, I was kind of on alert all night long.

The reason I'm writing this right now is because at 7:30, my mom sister and I are going to the ICU to see my grandma. I've never been to the ICU before, not even with Nikki, maybe she was on ICU, I don't remember.

I've been doing a lot of thinking since sunday night. I feel like I've made my peace with her, I know she knows I love her, and in some ways, I'm ok with the possibility of her passing on. The part I'm having a problem with now is that when I get in that room, I don't know how I'll feel. Will I be upset, will I cry? I don't know.

I don't want to. I don't want my possibly last memory of her to be my bawling my eyes out in her hospital room. I'm very unprepared for this, but ready or not, I've been asked to go.

On another note, I worked at the food pantry today and had a great time! I enjoy helping. I can visibly see that this is helping people because when I come back the next week, the shelves are empty.

I've got a meeting scheduled with a Spiritual Director on Thursday morning. I still want to meet with him. He said that he may not be able to devote time to me because I'm in the Discernment process, but he said we will see. Frankly, I'm just looking forward to the conversation. We've exchanged e-mails while setting this appointment up and he seems as excited as I am.

Back to grandma for a moment- The doctor said that it could get worse before it gets better. It has gotten worse, she has a bad infection, her heart beats are fluctuating a lot and some other bad things that I can't remember. I kinda feel like it's going in one ear and out the other. I am appreciating that I kinda have a role, I'm there listening to my mom. The good thing though, is that my dad has been talking to me alot, so I'm not carrying this alone. It's weird though, I don't feel crushed by this.

Now if she dies, I don't know, but for now I'm ok, just a little nervous.

I think that if my grandma wants to go, sure I'll miss her, but at least she will be happy.

I'll post later this evening.
By everyone
Nancy