My thoughts on this time of year and other things...

This time of year brings up many emotions.
The other day I am glad to say that when my mom broke down about the loss of her mother and her feeling as if she shouldn’t feel this way, I am glad that she felt afe enough in my presence to let her self go. She said that it felt as if that set of emotions had been wanting to come out for a while. She also indicated that she felt somewhat like my dad didn’t want to hear it anymore and evidently had hinted that she should stop crying. I told her that everyone has to grieve in their own way and what works for one person doesn’t work for another and that if she needed a hug or some sort of comfort, to seek me out, just let me know first before she jumped up and grabbed me. I tend to startle badly when that happens and I don’t want her to feel bad for scaring me when she already feels bad. Another difficult part of this time of year is that Friday is her birthday. She seems very sad about all of this, and unfortunately she doesn’t have a good relationship with my dad’s mother and she’s fearful that she’ll be dirrided at a time when she needs emotional support. I don’t know what I’m going to do about that. I have thought of calling my grandmother ahead of time and mentioning my mom’s birthday and maybe we could have cake or something. I just don’t want her to be hurting more than she already is. At the same time, there is a line that I am hesitant to cross. These sorts of things, speaking up for others on their behalf is a lot easier to strangers than to family. Too much potential for bad feelings and resentment, when all I want to do is try to heal the hurt, or at least put it aside to be dealt with later, after a time when we all need the comfort of one another. I mention this because rather than having Thanksgiving at our house this year, we’re going to my grandma’s then to my aunt’s.
As far as my feelings go, I do feel a sense of sadness. It’s not going to be the same and how I will feel on Thursday, I am not sure. At a time when I know my mom is going to need comfort, can I seek that comfort from her while also giving it to her at the same time? Perhaps sharing in our grief will comfort us both, although she lost her mother and I lost my grandmother, we can both share in the loss. We shall see what becomes of Thursday.
In other news, I think I’ll mention this past weekend last. I would like to mention a conversation I had with my good friend Wess the other day. We were talking about a lot of things that were tied together but one of the more-important conversations we had was a discussion on my considering going back to Winthrop as a grad student in Psychology. If anything, I think grief counseling would be something that I think I would enjoy is not the right word, but it’s something I think I can be helpful with.
So here we were talking about psychology and he’s considering it, so we were talking about our views on why we find it a somewhat suitable field to go into. We were talking about the differences between a priest and a psychologist. One of the things he said struck me. He said, “I want to help God’s people, I don’t want to lead them to God.” That struck me, and struck me hard. I realized in that moment that I Do. I Really Do. I want to help people to know God.
I have never said those words to my knowledge my entire time in this discernment process, but when confronted by it directly, I realized, I do want to do that. Then I’m faced with my feelings of inadequacy.
I don’t feel comfortable leading people toward God yet. I feel like telling my story is a good first step but in order to support them, I would feel more comfortable with more knowledge. Maybe that’s the wrong thing to say, but that’s how I feel right now.
We were also talking about Psychology and there just seems to be something missing there that I need. It’s I guess, the Spiritual component, talking about God. I would think that in a psychological capacity, were someone to come to me, there may be some subjects, such as God that it would be inappropriate to discuss. However, were I to be in a pastoral position, that is a major component of what a priest talks about.
I can’t explain why I’m not talking about the deaconate or the lay ministry. I was fortunate enough this past weekend to have a roommate who is the liason between the COM and the COM of the Baptised. We would be talking about the discernment process and she would always remind me to consider the lay ministry as well. Which fits in neatly with my ‘homework’ that my spiritual director Roy gave me.
I didn’t ask for clarification but in a nutshell, I was to consider the baptismal covenant which says that we are all called to a ministry. I admit, I forget that, especially since the process focuses around the ordaination for holy orders.
Which brings me to another important topic. It’s time for me to do some investigating and trying-on of things. About a year ago while I was in the DRYV program, we had a Ministry Project. It was designed to have us step outside our comfort zone and try on a form of ministry.
My ministry project just-so-happened to fall in nicely with an opening for a peer minister position. I thoroughly enjoyed that experience. I discovered a few things about myself, one being that once I understood what was needed to be done, it was easy to do when MaryCat wasn’t around to do those things. These were things such as calling the group to order, giving information about upcoming events and we hosted a program on faith and music. I even did a homily. Interestingly, it was about why one should trust in God. We had a lot of fun and it did a lot for my self-confidence.
I think what has happened now, is that I seem to be in a semi-permenant position, at least for the next month and a half or so, and the urgency is there to do things. Before I move forward, I want to explain my definition of urgency. I do not mean anxiety, or the fear of time running out. It’s more like a fire has been lit and I need to try things.
Another important thing I got out of this past weekend, was that I do feel as though my place is behind that altar table sharing Christ’s body and blood with people. I want them to know God. I don’t yet have the words to explain what I mean, but an important thing I have learned in this process, once I start thinking about something, eventually, more often than not, with someone else’s help, I am eventually able to listen to what my heart, and presumably God are trying to tell me.
I think another important thing for me is that I have found my excitement and enthusiasm for ministry. I want to get in there and try everything. I know there are some things I cannot do, not in that I’m not capable, those are just things that you have to be ordained to do.
I know I can be taught to do just about anything, I’m smart, I don’t quit, and when my enthusiasm and excitement are ignited, it’s usually hard to detur me from something. Although to be fair to myself, I did just come from an exciting experience, and I’m not sure if I’ve ‘come down’ yet.
At the suggestion of Marie, a priest at St. Matthews, I’m going to wait two weeks before seeing my spiritual director again, which fits nicely with our time table anyway.
I’m looking forward to talking to my committee again. A lot has happened in the last two months. I had more experiences with people and it wasn’t as if I was trying to, it just kind of happened, but I know that it was right.
Someone this past weekend said that because of the things I’ve done, I’m already doing my ministry. So begs the question, do I need to be ordained to do that, if I already am. I still cannot answer that question. I’m to the point that I’ve stopped constantly asking myself that question. I’m now to the point that the answer to that question will be revealed in time. To quote something, “on God’s timetable.”
That is something that I’m getting more comfortable with accepting, the idea that I may be trusting in God and simply not realizing it. Although if I acknowledge it, wouldn’t it suggest that I realize it?
Sorry, know I got a bit lost in my thoughts there, but I figure if you’d gotten bored already, you’d have stopped reading by now.
So in a nutshell- this is too much to fit into a nutshell- but I’m thankful to God that I got up the courage to write these things down, but more-importantly, I feel comfortable enough to share them with you. Because I know that you all care about me.
God bless you all and I pray for safe travels and if I am unable to see you, for a Merry Christmas and much love and happiness to you and your families.
Much love,
Nancy