Needed time to gather my thoughs

So, after I got home from the hospital yesterday, I didn't know what to think, so I decided to give myself some time to think about what it was that I saw.

I had never been to ICU and admit myself very unprepared for what I saw. It was a bit disturbing that since my grandma had a tube in her nose, her mouth was open and she appeared to be breathing rather hard. It was also very disturbing that she had large amounts of flem in her mouth and it seemed like it took forever to get someone to get a sucksion tube to remove it.

It was sad... really sad. I think the thing that got me was the lack of coherency that I noticed in her. She wasn't really aware of much. She wasn't able to open her eyes much and had these pillow-like gloves on so that she couldn't remove the tubes and whatever she had on her body.

I guess that made me think about what it was like for me wearing gloves and how uncomfortable it makes me, I feel like I lose touch with the world and kind of feel lost. I can't imagine not understanding what's going on, barely being able to see, not being able to feel anything, not even being able to scratch your nose, and only knowing that you are in pain. I think that was the part that got me the most.

At one point I could hear her breathing as if she was panicked. That made me nervous and I had to comfort her, so I moved between her and my sister who was just sort of standing there and I put my hand on her arm and was rubbing it and for some reason, that helped. I wasn't so afraid to touch her anymore. So when I noticed her breathing start to calm a little I moved my hand to her forehead and began to just talk to her. I don't remember what I said but I knew that she was responding to my touch and my voice so I continued until it got awkward. I'm not sure why I felt like it got awkward but there were about seven people counting me in the room and they were all just sort of standing around.

My mom got them to get her a cup of ice chips and she gave her some, then my aunt proceeded to do so. At one point, I believe she gave her too many or something because she started to choke. I admit, I panicked, I stepped back and my only thought was 'I don't want to be in the way.' Well I don't really remember looking specifically looking at anything but I found that looking at the monitor made me more nervous than anything I had seen before. There are three lines on it, the one in the middle was all over the place, and at one point, the one at the top went flat for a second. My sister said that it occured when she coughed.

I think if I had more knowledge of what those scary-looking lines meant I would maybe have not been so nervous, but I think the thing that I wish the most that had happened was someone explaining to me what I would see. It was dark in there and felt very lonely.

I think another hard part about this situation is the fact that my mom consented to a DNR. The doctors said that she may not survive being revived. Evidently she had been revived the last time she was in the hospital. That made my grandmother angry, she didn't want to come back. Evidently she's been calling family out of town and telling them how much she wants to die.

I'm finding that my mom will ask me rhetorical questions like 'how could someone want to die, I just don't get it' and I've realized that it's ok that I can't answer that question, she's just needing to express her feelings.

I was going to try to work on my spiritual autobiography for my meeting with a spiritual director tomorrow, but I just can't right now. I hope I don't need it and that once I explain what's going on, he'll understand.

I'm finding that I'm finding ways to get away from it all. It was kind of nice when everyone was gone, I blared my music really loud and danced around, that was fun. Then I wore myself out by trying to play drums on the level of Hard. Exhaustion is kinda nice, you don't lie there thinking while you go to sleep. I just crash.

Apparently, grandma is being moved from ICU. I was told that this happens because of the DNR and I guess they're just going to make her comfortable. There's a lot I don't understand so I work with what I got and hope for the best. Prayers are appreciated and welcome, and a call every now and then is appreciated too.

Speaking of which, I'm going to go to bed. Meeting at 10 in the morning, I'm looking forward to it.

Night all