If I've learned anything over the last few months it's this, I have to acknowledge how I feel, even if it makes me uncomfortable, even if I don't want to.
I'm going to try, with God's help, the support of the Brothers and other interns, and presumably your prayers, to cherish this next month as best I can.
It doesn't help that I'm in a weird spot right now, but so be it. Things are getting complicated. Although, frankly this happens to me every time I think I've decided on a step forward, I get other thoughts or opinions, and they give me different things to consider thus my previously decided upon- or at least supposed decided upon decision is questioned then it brings me to a dizzying spot where I feel a bit confused.
Oh well, that's pretty much where I'm at for now. I was chatting with someone the other day and said that it almost feels like I'm 'supposed' to do this
'bobbing' as I've come to call it. It's not directionless, I don't think anyway... Perhaps it's one of those 'big picture things and I've only got a piece of the puzzle to look at and wonder 'how does this fit'?
I'm doing my best to trust that this bobbing is for an important reason, perhaps if it's not, I will at least have learned something about myself.
It's very apt that we're reading this particular chapter in our book "The Jesuit Guide to almost Everything" the chapter is Ch 11, Surrendering to the future, it's on obedience. It's weird because that particular vow of the monastic world isn't something that I've had too much difficulty with- though I'm not a monastic, I still live in a system that has an ultimate 'go-to-person' and I take comfort in that, there is someone that takes my thoughts into account and listens to me, but also decides what is best. That's what the Superior does anyway, I have a feeling that God does the same thing, it's just that we need to trust that, and That's the hard part.
So, I'm going to do my best to stay in the moment, to acknowledge how I feel, do my best to 'not harden my heart', 'incline the ear of my heart' and trust that even though I may not see the 'big picture' right now, this struggling isn't for nothing.
I realized this morning that my metaphor is changed, it's not about Jacob wrestling with God anymore, rather it's changed to holding onto God's hand and taking tentative steps on the surface of the sea that I've been bobbing in for a while, I'm going to do my best, and when it comes down to it, I really think that's what God asks, that when we fall, or even if we Think we're going to fall we call out for God to catch us.
The tricky part, is sometimes I don't want to, and personally, I kinda feel that way a bit right now.
I don't feel relieved after having written this but that's ok, I will, at some point.
Blessings to you all,
Nancy
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
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