I was just loading the dishwasher a little while ago and I found myself reflecting on the last 9 months. The internship offically ends on the 31st, next Thursday
I personally, I haven't asked either of the guys about their experiences, but I have found that being in a place where I have a lot of free space to think; even in the midst of a chore like dishes, or even in the midst of a service like Compline where I learned it by rote months ago, I can partially go someplace else and ponder things, or in the case of Compline- draw pictures with my minds eye using the checkerboard tiles that are on the floor. It's weird how I can be present and it's happening around me but at the same time I'm not all there. From what I hear I'm not the only one.
I was reflecting earlier on how in being a place where your thoughts are so much on the surface and so are your emotions I've found that when I'm joyous, I'm quite litterally skipping down the hall- on the monastery side anyway, don't want to disturb any guests and the Brothers are on the 2nd floor so...
Anyway, but conversely, when I'm having a bad day, it's bad, but interestingly not for an entire day, well at least I'm not consumed by it for an entire day. More often than not someone will notice my disposition and I can let someone know how how I'm feeling, which me ing a verbal processor is sometimes all I really need to do- to clear the air. Other times the circumstances of this life, the prospect of what new yummy thing is for lunch, or we're making cookies in the kitchen, or Doc just did something very funny will help me to realize that life is not about just this one thing I'm dealing with right now, that life is a series of moving back and forth on a continum of joy and sorrow.
I have found that being in this place has been a very freeing position to be in. Sometimes "my inner eight-year-old" comes out at the prospect of something as simple as a new kind of cookie or we're going into a new liturgical season, or it's sunny outside.I have found that the joy in the simple things is necessary because on the other side of my brain I'm trying to sift through what I'm thinking, how I felt about that situation, why do I think I reacted that way in that situation, what are the repercussions going to be from that reaction- although I have to admit, I'm learning to worry less about that sort of thing, rather I'm learning to say 'ok, I reacted that way, how can I learn from that situation'?
So rather than beating myself up over it, I'm trying to learn from it.
I know I've said this before; not sure if I've said it here or not, perhaps just in conversation, but I really do feel as though I am honestly able to be myself. I don't have to pretend everything's all right behind my passive agressive tendencies and stew on how I was slighted. I have a place where I can say, 'what that person did pissed me off' and get it off my chest and go on with my day. I'm not always able to do this but that brings me back to a saying from one of the Desert Fathers that one of the Brothers likes to quote occasionally.
A man goes up to a monk standing outside his monastery and asks "What do you do all day?:
The monk replied, "We fall down and we get up."
Frankly I don't remember my original thought in prompting me to write this. I'm sure part of it was I haven't written in a while, and I'm in a bit of a weird mood. My three budies are leaving. I was kinda sad when one of the interns left a few weeks ago, but I almost feel a stronger connection with Rob, Ruben, and Tedi. Part of it I think, is that since Tyler left back in either late September or early October, it's just been the three of us and I have I think five different friendships with these three people, each with them individually, one with just the 980 interns and me, and one with all of us together. It's going to be very strange a week from now when I'm the only intern still here.
I'm excited, all the interns are going to a baseball game with one of the Brothers on Monday, to see the Pawtucket Red Sox- the minor league team, apparently they're better then the major league team.
Tuesday is going to be a crazy day, we've got our 'graduation' dinner. I doubt that's what it's called but I can't remember the word they used. The interns are making Sunday lunch, that should be fun. Sunday is also Pentacost. Other than doing some different things for Evensong, probably 1st and 2nd, I'm not sure it's just going to be a typical Sunday morning. Although I don't know what I'm doing yet, the rota's not posted yet.
Ok, now I'm rambling, Compline in a bit.
Bye guys
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